I will Try To Fix You (Story II)
by AddisonSp
Summary: She made him a promise when she was diagnosed, but keeping it is easier said than done. Follows Castle and Beckett through her cancer treatment. Sequel to "Walk me Through This One." Now Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Ok. Wow. Ok. **I was completely blown away by the positive response to the first story I posted. **"Walk Me Through This One."** This is the first chapter of **the sequel**, and I will have new chapters posted as quickly as time will allot me. I also want you to know that the details I use, the type of cancer, the treatment options, and Kate's thoughts and emotions are drawn largely from personal experience and/or research. Feel free to message me if you have questions, concerns...Again, thanks so much for reading.

**Spoiler Warning**: All episodes that have aired are free game for me, and although I tell myself I won't-I always wind up reading the damn spoilers. I will be sure to post warnings if I use any though...P.S. I've decided that for the time-being "Monday" will be re-named "Andrew Marlow's Angst Day". He brought it upon himself, he and his writers ;-)

**Disclaimer:** They're not mine. It's kind of good too. Afterall, I did give Beckett cancer, didn't I?

**And I will Try to Fix You**

_"When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep._

_Stuck in reverse…"_ Coldplay, Fix You

Beeping. Steady beeping is the first thing she noticed when she started to come around. The fog desperately tried to cling to her brain, as she made her best attempt to make sense of her surroundings.

Lilac. The sweet smell of her favorite flowers was the second thing she'd noticed. Before she'd even opened her eyes she could smell the scent of lilacs around her. It enveloped her and comforted her like an embrace.

Voices. There was muttering around her and she was trying to make sense of what the voices were saying. She turned her head toward the voices and let out a moan, trying to communicate to whomever was nearby.

"Kate?" somebody was calling her name, but she didn't recognize the voice.

The unfamiliar voice was closer now."Kate, can you hear me? Open your eyes Kate, open your eyes and take a breath."

_That's an odd request_, Kate thought to herself.

A gloved hand tilted her chin up and she opened her eyes. Dr. Kendall was standing by her bedside and was smiling softly at her. "Welcome back." He spoke.

"Did…" Kate tried to speak, but was immediately made aware of the discomfort in her throat. It burned when she tried to speak. She tried to clear it forcefully, as if she could ameliorate whatever it was making her throat hurt so badly. Kate attempted to speak again. "Did they get it?"

She looked to the doctor, waiting for him to answer her and update her on the success of the surgery.

Dr. Kendall smiled and nodded. "Yes Kate. We were able to remove all of the tumors. There didn't appear to be anymore spread or damage, which is great news. We are going to have to wait on the pathology labs to confirm that we were able to get clear margins on all sides of the tumors" The doctor squeezed her hand as Kate sighed and laid her head back on the pillow, trying to clear her throat again. She hoped beyond anything that they did, in fact, get clear margins. She knew it would be pointless to have gone in and removed the tumors if they'd left any part of them, even microscopic, behind to spread again.

"Kate, your throat is going to be sore for a couple of days, it is irritation from the breathing tube. You were under for quite a long period of time and we felt that intubating you would alleviate the stress on your lungs while you were so deep under anesthesia." At that time another voice spoke up.

"I picked up some lozenges when the doctor mentioned that you'd have a sore throat." Kate turned to the voice and saw Rick Castle sitting in the corner of the room quietly. She smiled softly to him and said "Lilacs," noting the smell of flowers in the room.

Rick nodded to her and smiled back, "While you were in recovery they went ahead and assigned you a room. We were allowed to come up here and wait for you. I may have added a few things to make it feel a little more comfortable for you."

"Richard Castle, that's why I love you." She softly spoke.

Rick was surprised by her statement, not because she told him that she loved him, but because she told him, yet again, in front of someone else. Although she was still very much under the influence of her medications, she was much more lucid than she was after her last admission. Rick chuckled softly to himself and recalled her first public statement of love…

**Earlier that day:**

He came into the hospital with her, keeping her clothing as she'd changed into the hospital gown. He'd kept her company as she laid herself down in the pre-operative room, offering her comfort and distraction as various doctors and nurses came through. Blood was drawn, IVs were inserted and vitals were taken. He joked softly with her about the fashion statement that her medical gown was making and noted that she looked sexy as hell even when wearing a paper bag. She laughed and was grateful for his company.

Her dad came by to wish her luck before the surgery as well, giving her hugs and kisses and reminding her how loved she was. The three talked for awhile, and Rick and her dad seemed to be hitting it off. Little did she know this was far from the first of their interactions. Soon the anesthesiologist came into the room, ready to place her epidural. The thought of having the needle placed into her back, her spine, terrified her.

"It would be best if just one person was here with you during this procedure Ms. Beckett." The doctor advised her. At that her dad quickly volunteered to step out, clasping his hands on Rick's shoulder and then moving to kiss Kate on her cheek. She found herself mildly surprised, but also very moved that her dad trusted Castle as much as he did.

She was instructed to sit up on the corner of the bed, and to wrap her arms around Rick's shoulders. She lay her head on his shoulder, took a deep breath and braced herself as the doctor started to clean and prepare her lower back. She'd heard the horror stories from friends who had used epidurals during childbirth, had heard that it was very painful. Her doctor squeezed her arm and spoke to her, "Kate. The good news about your having an epidural is that you're not in labor. There is no baby to protect, and you don't need to do any labor-related work, so we can numb you up before we place it. You'll feel a pinch and some pressure, but that's all." Kate let out a breath and Rick chuckled softly into her ear, not out of humor but of relief.

The whole situation struck Kate as odd, being held in this position by Castle as the doctor placed an epidural. She was glad there was no baby, but couldn't help but envision a situation in the not too distant future where they were in a similar spot because there was a child,_ their child_, on it's way. She took a breath and smiled to herself, his sigh in her ear indicated to her that they were on the same wavelength.

With a pinch and quite a bit of pressure, the epidural was placed. She sat up for another minute while fluids were started into the tubing. No sooner than she was instructed to lay back down she felt the effects of the drugs. She felt light, wonderful. She felt free and there was no denying it…Kate was high. Rick smiled to her as she took his hand and sighed at him. "I love you Rick." She said to him. He smiled and answered, "I love you too."

The doctor exited the room and gave Kate's dad the ok to re-join his daughter. He walked up to her, taking her free hand and asked her how she was feeling. "I feel wonderful dad." She replied. "It's all going to be ok and soon I'll be out of surgery and everything will be wonderful again." Kate continued to ramble on, obviously happy with life.

"Hey dad?" Kate said. Her dad looked to her and waited for the rest of her question "Yes sweetheart?" he replied.

"Hey dad. I love Castle. I love him so much. He's my one and some day I'm going to marry him." Her dad looked to Rick with mild shock but mostly amusement.

"That's wonderful sweetie. Rick's a wonderful guy. I approve." He meaningfully looked to Castle, and then back down to his daughter.

She continued to talk "Yeah. He is wonderful. Last night we made love and it was so beautiful dad. It was so beautiful." She sighed to herself and looked lovingly to Castle.

To say that Rick looked like a deer in the headlights would be an understatement. He looked at Kate in utter shock and then to her dad, in complete terror.

Jim Beckett looked at Rick with a mix of amusement and something else that Rick couldn't quite identify, but it scared him… a lot. He then looked back to his daughter and replied, "That's wonderful sweetie."

"Yes it is." She agreed. "It was beautiful."

Richard Castle was never happier in his life to see a doctor as he was at that very moment. Dr. Kendall entered the room and the oncologist introduced himself to both Kate's dad and Rick. He then checked on Kate and let her know that they were ready to take her back for surgery. Kate's dad kissed his daughter on the cheek and squeezed her hand, telling her he'd be waiting for her and he'd see her in a few hours. He turned and left the room, obviously to give Rick a minute alone with her.

Castle took her hand and kissed the back of it. He then ran his other hand across her forehead and kissed her softly on the lips. "I love you Kate and I'll be waiting for you." She smiled at him and sighed heavily "I love you too Rick." He kissed her one more time on the lips and allowed the nurses to wheel her out of the room.

Castle made his way to the waiting room and took a seat next to Jim Beckett. Both men were silent for a minute, Rick too scared to talk and Jim enjoying the younger man's terror a little too much. With a smug expression on his face Jim finally spoke.

"So it was beautiful huh?" It was not a question, but a statement. As a father, he knew that details were not only NOT wanted, but would most likely result in bodily harm.

Richard Castle buried his head in his hands and wished more than anything that the floor would simply swallow him whole.


	2. Chapter 2

Kate spent most of Tuesday sleeping off the anesthesia. She'd had moments of lucidity, but they were few and far between. Each time she awoke she'd noted more flowers placed around her room. Luckily, as opposed to her shooting, her having cancer did not make front page news. Therefore, the gifts that adorned her room were mainly from people who were close to her. Around the room she saw a bouquet of multi-colored roses from Ryan and Jenny, an arrangement of stargazer lilies from Lanie, a single yellow rose and a fleece blanket from Alexis, as well as a basket of mixed flowers and stuffed bear (dressed as a doctor) , complements of Martha. She noted that the captain had even had flowers sent. Castle, ever the perfect gentleman and host, kept record of who sent which gifts. She called him a girl for it, but deep down she was quite grateful that he'd taken the time to do so. This was especially true considering that she was unconscious for most of their visits.

Her favorite gift was definitely the single balloon from Esposito, which read "congratulations" and was covered with pictures of more balloons. When questioned about it he'd admitted that the gift shop had run out of _get well soon_ balloons, and after a long rant about how the hell a hospital could possibly be out of get well soon balloons, he'd admitted that he didn't want to arrive empty handed. She was glad to know that both Ryan and Lanie had given him a hard time about it. They'd also had a fun game making mild accusations concerning what the balloon stood for. "_Congratulations on your cancer_" and _"Congratulations on surviving the surgery_" were the top two choices, much to Esposito's chagrin. Kate smiled as she'd listened to Rick animatedly tell her about how much flack Esposito got for the whole situation.

She did note that each time she awoke Rick was there, settled in the chair next to her bed. At one particular time during the night she'd pondered how she had been lucky enough to be given her own room. Kate was suspicious that it had something to do with the man who was currently sleeping in the chair next to her. As she gazed at him she couldn't help but think to herself, _He's so cute when he sleeps…ok he's so cute all the time, but especially when he sleeps. _The doctors had come by one more time, when she was first fully conscious, to tell her that the pathology labs would take several weeks to come back. This was not to be of concern, she was assured, as they would still know all they needed before she was set to start chemotherapy. Kate tried to re-play segments of what she remembered from the day, but the longer she tried to stay awake the more aware she became of the discomfort in her chest. It didn't take long before Kate, who was eternally grateful for choosing the epidural, pushed her morphine button and drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Kate awoke with a start, disoriented and in somewhat of a panic. She knew that she was in the hospital, but was concerned that she'd not been to the bathroom all day. In the dark she felt around for her catheter bag. Thoughts including _this is so gross_ and _please don't wake up castle_, floated across her consciousness as she continued to grope around in the dark to check her bag. Suddenly she felt it, something warm and squishy, she squeezed it harder, nearly pounded on it and she was filled with new panic. _Oh my God, nobody's come in to change it! What if it backs up into me? I'll get sick, or what if it spills out in front of castle! _With each passing moment her anxiety levels rose, which were only amplified by the speeding up of her heart-monitor and the dropping of her oxygen levels, which triggered more beeping. Suddenly she heard his voice, heavy with sleep,

"Kate? Is everything ok? Are you in pain?" He waited for her to answer for a second before turning on her bedside light.

Panic filled Kate as she knew that he would see her dilemma, unable to look at him she closed her eyes and spoke, "Castle, my catheter bag…I can feel it and they haven't changed it." For a moment she was met with complete silence.

He slowly and hesitantly answered her "Um Kate, your bag is hanging off the railing of your bed. It's not full at all."

She opened her eyes and looked at him in confusion, "then what is this?" she motioned down to the area she'd been squeezing.

Both partners followed her arm down to where her hand was grasping. Apparently, Kate Beckett had been pounding on her own thigh.

"What the hell?" She yelled. "I didn't even know it was there. I didn't know it was mine. Castle I can't feel my legs…I can't feel my own legs!" She looked to him in panic and was immediately pissed off by his amused expression, "What the HELL Castle, this isn't funny!"

He made his best attempt to look at her seriously, taking her hand in his own. "Kate" he spoke, "the epidural is acting as a nerve block, it is controlling your pain, but it's also blocking the feeling in your lower extremities. Do you remember the anesthesiologist telling you that you wouldn't be able to get out of bed for a day or so after the surgery?"

Kate stared at him for a moment and grumbled; "well now I do." He smirked at her and squeezed her hand again. She took in his smile and tried to hide her own, it was pretty damned funny afterall. With her best attempt to sound authoritative she threatened, "You tell anyone about this and I'll kick your ass Castle."

He was silent for a moment, but only for a brief pause, as he couldn't resist a comeback "Sure you'll kick my ass, you and your badass catheter bag-thigh superpowers." With that he started to laugh all over again, although his eyes were filled with nothing but pure love.

She couldn't help but smile, and stifled a bit of a giggle too, as she muttered "Jackass" to him.

* * *

Over the next several days Kate continued to recover. She'd been allowed to discontinue to epidural within the first 48 hours and, with the assistance of the resident physical therapist, was helped to get up and around again. Although she'd insisted that she did not need a physical therapist to walk after such a short period of time, the hospital's policy insisted on having assistance walking within the first several hours out of bed. Once they were satisfied that she could self-ambulate (first with a walker, which also did not sit well with her), she was up and around.

By day four in the hospital Kate was taken completely off of IV medications and given oral pain killers, partially supplemented by injections. Although happy to be up and using the bathroom on her own again (and to have feeling restored to her legs), she found herself pretty nauseated by the pills. Her time was passed with visits from Lanie and the boys, with Alexis stopping by after school. Alexis was wonderful, and kept Kate busy with books and music, updating playlists for her regularly. On her last visit Alexis had brought Kate a copy of The Hunger Games, which Kate found to be gruesome-yet compelling.

At times when her dad visited he'd ask Rick for some privacy with his daughter. Kate was appreciative, not because she didn't want Castle there. Quite the contrary, she loved having him by her side. She was grateful for her dad's actions because it forced Castle to get out of the hospital and go home, where he could eat, shower and nap. When Kate finally thanked her father for doing it he'd admitted that his actions had nothing to do with not wanting Rick around, and everything to do with giving him a break from the hospital. It also gave them time to chat about the man while he was elsewhere.

"Dad", Kate spoke softly one mid-afternoon. "What do you think of Castle? I know you like him and you're glad he's been such a great friend to me, but what do you think of him as maybe more than a friend?"

Jim Beckett smiled and decided to have just a bit of fun with his daughter. "Well Katie, I think he's a great friend, but more than a friend? I just really don't think he's my type." He smiled at his daughter.

"Dad! You know what I mean. It's just that I think things are developing between us and I really want to know what your opinion is." Kate apprehensively looked at her father, who simply smiled at her.

"Katie. I think he makes you very happy and I think he loves you very much."

Kate couldn't control the grin on her face. "Dad" she whispered "I think I'm in love with him too." Her smile was wide and Jim could see the joy in her daughter's eyes. He laughed softly,

"Yeah, you may have indicated that before you went into surgery sweetheart."

Kate looked at her dad in surprise. "I did? Did I say anything else?" She asked.

Jim paused for a moment and looked at her, "no. That was just about it Katie."

* * *

By day five of her hospital stay Kate was getting restless. She was ready to leave and she wanted out as soon as possible. Castle tried his best to keep her occupied, with one of his more successful attempts turning into a Texas Hold'em match, with the winner claiming hospital jello. After some very immature celebrating, and a few "In your face!" comments from Castle over his Full House, Kate rather enjoyed her Four of a Kind, and flaunted her lime jello as he sulked. She wasn't really a fan of lime jello, but for the chance to rub it in her partners face, Kate made an exception.

That night Kate was awakened by the first nightmare of her stay in the hospital. Although she couldn't remember the exact details of the dream, she'd awakened in a cold sweat and was calling out his name. Within an instant he was there, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding her until she stopped shaking. As he made his move back to the chair he was stopped by her hand grasping his wrist.

"Stay with me" she whispered to him. Smiling softly to her, he urged her to scoot forward a bit toward the far side of the bed. As she did so he scooted in behind her, bringing her back flush with his front. He wrapped his arms around her mid-section and was able to offer her the warmth and support of his nearness without bothering her stitches.

As they lay together she spoke, "Castle, I want to go home." He nestled his face into her neck, placing kisses there. "Kate" he whispered "you're coming back to the loft with us, remember?" He tried to push away the twinge of sadness he felt at her words. Afterall, she'd promised him that she would try to let him take care of her, that she'd let him in. She sighed at his words, laced her fingers into his and replied, "I know. That's what I mean." At her words he kissed a trail up the side of her neck, and rested his lips behind her ear. There, in the hospital bed, Richard Castle felt like he'd just won the lottery.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hello All, after yet another Monday night sponsored by the adventures of Jackass and Clueless, I've decided to write and post the next chapter of this story._

_Things get substantially less light and more intense in this chapter, as Kate begins to deal with some of the fallout of what is happening to her. Yes, I am aware that cancer is a very serious and impacting diagnosis, but I am intent to mix in lightness and laughter because nobody can live in only one extreme. I do hope I am able to convey a multitude of emotional experiences. Thanks again for reading and I'm always open to your feedback. I love the reviews!_

* * *

Sunday morning, day six of the endless hospital stay, at least according to Beckett, brought a piece of very good news. She'd been eating and drinking regularly and was managing pain fairly well. Therefore, her doctor who was satisfied with the progress she was making allowed her to be released a day early. She was grateful that she'd decided to not go alone in this first phase of her journey, because she was able to leave with the stipulation that someone would be there to help care for her. Ready to escape her prison, Kate was eager to sign her release papers and obtain a prescription for the proper medications to manage at home. She was given instructions concerning how to change the bandage over her surgical site. Luckily the stitches would dissolve in their own in time. Additionally, she was given a rather extensive list of things she was not allowed to do, including lifting heavy objects, driving and showering to name a few.

Once Castle had her settled into the passenger's seat they were off. She wanted to run several errands before they headed to the loft. As she listed the things she wanted to do, including filling her prescription, picking up some groceries and checking on her apartment, Rick listened apprehensively. He didn't want to overstep, but was also concerned about her overdoing it. _Why am I surprised? This is Kate. Of course she'll try to do everything less than an hour after being released from the hospital following major surgery, _he thought solemnly to himself. He decided to play it safe, appeasing her as best he could.

"Ok Kate. Let's start with filling your prescription and we'll go from there, ok?" He asked her softly.

She nodded to him, resting her head against the passenger window. She didn't want to admit it, but she was already starting to feel a little drained.

They entered the drug store together, walking to the pharmacy counter in the back where Kate produced her prescription and her identification. They were given a 20 minute wait, so Kate decided to take the time to pick up some necessary bandages and other dressing supplies. As she made her way to the necessary aisle and grabbed gauze and medical tape, as she was looking over different creams and ointments she started to feel slightly light-headed. Trying to ignore it and push on, she picked up an antibiotic ointment and turned to walk back to the pharmacy. Suddenly she was gripped with a searing headache. She felt like she'd had the worst hangover in her life and she suddenly felt as if she were going to pass out. Reaching for the side of the aisle, she dropped the medical supplies to brace herself against the wave of dizziness that consumed her.

Castle, who was giving her space, but not too much space, quickly happened upon his partner. She was hunched over in pain and appeared to be trying to catch her breath. He was instantly at her side, wrapping his arm around her waist and supporting her weight as they made their way to the chairs by the pharmacy. Once she was safely seated, Rick kneeled in front of her, cupping her chin and bringing her face to his own. "Kate, what happened? Are you ok?"

Her response was weak, and non-convincing, but she insisted that she was fine "Castle I just got out of breath. Give me a second and I'll be ok." She smiled weakly at him, trying to convince him that all was well.

"Kate. Please wait here for me. Ok?" He waited until she made eye contact with him and would not break their gaze until she nodded her agreement. When she did he returned to her discarded items and retrieved them, thankful that the sterile supplies were encased within protective packaging.

While he was gone Kate sat there, absorbed in her thoughts. _What the hell was that? How can I possibly be this tired? I chase criminals for a living and I'm beyond winded trying to walk across a drug store? _She wasn't happy, she was frustrated. Beyond anything though, she was tired. She was so very tired. Kate Beckett had never wanted to lie down and sleep as badly as she did right then. She became so desperate to find a place to just lay down horizontally, feeling overwhelmed by the strain of supporting the weight of her own upright body, that she contemplated laying down on the floor.

Although she would never express it to Castle, she was on the verge of tears by the time they finally called that her prescription was ready. The wonderful man next to her, her partner _and now lover,_ who had insisted that she rest her head on his shoulder, requested that she let him pick up the medications from the counter. She didn't have the energy to fight him on it. Kate felt as if all the life was drained from her body.

While they made their way back to his vehicle, Rick helping her along, she did everything in her power to not cry. Kate Beckett was ashamed and frustrated, she felt completely useless. He poured her into the car once again and immediately proceeded to the loft. She didn't fight him on it, she couldn't if she'd wanted to.

When they'd arrived at his home, he shook her gently, waking her up. He helped her up to the loft and got her immediately into bed. She could think of nothing else. The moment her head hit the pillow was one of the most relieving moments she'd ever experienced. It felt like water to a person who'd been wandering through the desert. A few minutes later she felt his hands on her stomach and turned her head to face him. He motioned for her to get under the covers, and with his help she did. Within minutes Kate was asleep.

* * *

She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but she felt his hand on her shoulder again, shaking her softly. She moaned, turned to him and saw that he was holding a pill. "Rise and Shine KB, it's time for your pill", Castle handed her the pain medication and lifted a glass of water from her bedside table for her to swallow. After swallowing the round white pill she smiled to him sweetly, "Thank you Rick."

He leaned in and tentatively brushed his lips to hers. "What time is it?" She asked him.

"It's about 6pm", came his reply. She nodded and placed her head back down to the pillow.

"Kate?" he asked "Do you think you'd be up to eating anything? I made some of that chicken soup that you loved so much last time."

She smiled and nodded, "that would be wonderful". As she made to push herself out of bed he stopped her, pushing her shoulders gently back down. "Kate, stay here. I'll bring it to you." Within a few minutes he was back, with a tray and two bowls. He crawled into bed with her and handed her the bowl as soon as she was sitting up against the headboard.

There they sat, eating soup and talking.

"Where are Martha and Alexis?" Beckett asked.

"They ate about an hour ago and headed out to their relative evening outings." He answered her.

She took a couple more spoonfuls before placing the bowl on her bedside table. Feeling slightly woozy, most likely due to the pain pill she'd recently taken, she'd assumed, she curled into Castle's side.

"Do you think it's gone Castle?" She spoke to him as she rested her head in the crook of his neck.

He leaned his head against hers, "Do I think what is gone?" his lips murmured into her hair.

"I was just wondering if they actually got clear margins, or if- if it is still there." Kate's voice trembled slightly as she spoke.

Rick leaned over to place his soup on the other bedside table and shifted in bed to hold her. Once she was wrapped in his embrace he leaned his head into hers, placing a kiss on her temple. "I don't know Kate, but I'm hopeful."

She sighed and let herself be comforted by his embrace, as if he could chase her fears away. As if he could make everything better. Soon they both slid down the headboard and curled into each other, a tangle of limbs, and fell asleep.

* * *

Something woke Rick Castle up. He was disoriented for a moment, recognizing that he was not in his own bedroom. The next thing he noticed was Kate, on her back and moaning slightly. He reached for her and noted that the mattress around her was soaking wet. He bolted himself up in alarm and turned on the bedside lamp.

Rick found her tossing her head back and forth, moaning and soaking wet. Her hair was plastered to her forehead and her clothing looked soaked through. "Kate" he called to her, reaching to feel her forehead. She turned to him, and with a striking redness in her cheeks she replied to him "Castle, I'm so hot."

He jumped from the bed and ran to the hallway, calling out for help. "Mom, Alexis? Is anyone home?"

His yells were quickly answered by his mother, "Richard. What is it?" The alarm in her voice was evident as she made her way towards Kate's room. Stopping at the doorway she looked in "oh dear." She spoke.

"Mother, please get the thermometer now." His request wasn't even completely spoken before Martha was on her way to the bathroom, knowing they needed to know how bad things were with Kate.

She handed him the thermometer and he spoke again, making his way back to the bed, "Mother, the number for Kate's doctor is on the kitchen counter, please call him."

Richard crawled over to his partner, who just looked at him feebly, "Water, Castle. Please, I need water." She spoke. He answered her as he placed the thermometer under her tongue, "in just a second Kate, we've got to check your temperature."

With the beeping of the thermometer, Martha walked back into the room with one of the nurses on the phone. Rick took the thermometer and read it, while placing the phone against his ear.

"Mr. Castle" The nurse spoke. "What is her temperature?" She'd obviously been brought up to speed on the situation by his mother.

"He read the device and replied, it's only 100.5, but she's looking bad and she's covered with sweat." He informed the nurse on the phone. He watched as Martha sat on the bed and helped bring Kate against her chest. She allowed the younger woman to take sips from the glass of water on her bedside, while placing the back of her hand on her cheeks and forehead.

"Mr. Castle. Has she started taking her medications yet?" The nurse inquired.

_Well that's an odd question considering her state_, he thought to himself, but answered "Yes. She took the first dose about two hours ago."

The nurse replied, "Ok. There should be no reason to be alarmed then. Given the high dose of the medication, it is not uncommon for patients to have a bit of trouble regulating their body temperature in the hours following dosage." The nurse informed him. "Experiencing hot flashes and cold sweats is unfortunately a side effect that she is likely to experience. I would do my best to keep her as comfortable as possible in the time being."

Castle took the nurses words in and couldn't help thinking bitterly to himself, _you could have warned us of this when they gave her the damned prescription you know_. Letting out an exasperated sigh, mainly relieved that there wasn't anything more serious wrong with his partner he spoke again, "Any suggestions for keeping her comfortable?"

The nurse replied, "Keep a fan on her during the hot flashes and lots of blankets around when the cold sweats set in. As her body attempts to regulate itself she's likely to go from hot to cold rather quickly." Castle nodded into the phone as he made a mental checklist of the nurse's words.

She spoke one last time before the call ended, "and Mr. Castle, if her temperature does go above 101, call again." He agreed to do so and hung up the phone.

* * *

For the next several days Rick didn't leave Kate's side. He'd made himself comfortable in bed with her and slept next to her. He'd sent Alexis to the store to purchase a fan, which was placed on Kate's side of the bed. Alexis spent a good amount of time sitting on the side of Kate's bed, recalling the events of her days to both adults. She also took on some of the cooking responsibilities, which wasn't really out of the norm for the teen, to keep both of them fed. She hated seeing Kate so uncomfortable, but her heart filled with complete love and acceptance with each passing day, growing accustomed to Kate's presence. The two women didn't spend a whole lot of time one on one. Partially because her dad refused to leave her side, but mostly because Kate was under such strong narcotics, she spent most days sleeping.

During her hot episodes she wore very little, a tank-top and shorts or underwear. She hadn't planned on dressing so scantily, so the decision was made to donate some of Alexis' night cloths to keep the detective cool and comfortable as possible. The fan was directed at her and on full blast while Rick made frequent trips to the kitchen to refresh the cold compresses that he held to her forehead and her neck. Both Martha and Alexis saw that there were plenty of fresh, damp rags in the fridge for when he needed to change them out.

During these times she would lie partially on his lap and allow him to keep the cool fabrics against her face. On one occasion, when Rick was in the shower, she awoke with her head on Martha's lap. The woman stroked her hands through Kate's hair and and kept the cold compresses on the top of her head and the back of her neck. Kate, heavily under the influence of the narcotics, and disoriented by the presence of someone other than Rick, noted the softness of the fingers softly stroking her hair. She moaned and muttered, "mom", in her state of confusion. Martha simply responded, "shhh, it's ok Kate." as she soothed the woman back to sleep, she leaned down and kissed her forehead while letting a tear slip down her cheek. Kate didn't even remember the exchange, but Martha would never forget it. As a mother she couldn't imagine her child not having her there for them in this time. She felt kindred with Johanna Beckett and promised the other woman, whom she'd never met, that she'd take care of her daughter as if she were her own.

With little warning her body would switch. The sweat that soaked her would turn against her, becoming cold and chilling her body to the core. At these times Rick would turn the fan off, lie against her and wrap them both in blankets. He'd do his best to keep her warm, feeling helpless to stop the trembling that consumed her body. She would turn into him, pulling herself as close as humanly possible without harming her sensitive scars.

Once the pills would wear off she would sit up in bed, able to take in some food and hold conversation with him. She'd relish in her time awake with Martha and Alexis as well, enjoying their company and their vibrancy. She wasn't happy that Rick was taking care of her at such a basic, intimate level, but didn't seem to care once she was under the influence of the drugs from hell. Unfortunately, cutting the pill to half the dosage was not an option. They'd called the pharmacist to check and were met with a very strong "No! If you crush, cut or otherwise alter the pill you will alter the control-release and it could kill her! Never try to cut or crush narcotics like these. They are designed to release slowly for a reason!" They got the message.

She'd even insisted on going completely without the pill on one afternoon, but was soon urged to take the medications by a very upset Castle, "Kate please. You're in pain and I can't stand to see you in this much pain. Take the pills for me. Please Kate." So she did. Soon after she was back to spiking hot and then running cold. There was nothing she could do about it and she hated it.

* * *

There were other struggles to be tended with as well. Even worse than the crazy body temperature swings was the fact that Kate couldn't shower. After about a week and a half the site was healing enough that Kate was able to manage her pain with over the counter medications. This gave her much longer moments of consciousness and she was grateful to feel like she was amongst the living again. She'd been with Castle for nearly 10 days and aside from using wash cloths to try to keep her as clean as possible, and having his help over a sink with her hair, or using dry shampoo, she wasn't able to really get clean. It drove her to the brink of madness. At one point Castle flirtatiously offered to help get her clean.

"I could give you a sponge bath Kate. Get you all soapy in all the right places." He leered at her, with a wicked grin on his face.

"She smiled at him flirtatiously. I bet you would." She eyed him up and down, walking closer and slowly looking up to meet his eyes, she continued. "You'd use your sponge and get me all wet wouldn't you?" She smiled to him, with big innocent eyes.

He gulped at her response, as she neared him and reached out to run her fingers across his chest. He was so in over his head. "So, Kate. Do...do you want to?" He asked, completely enthralled with the way her wide eyes held to his, they looked so big and so very willing.

In an instant she'd snapped and the old Kate was back. "NO!" she said. There was no anger, just exasperation, and a hint of _you're such an easy target, _in her voice.

"Ha, ha, ha" he spoke each word to her, completely aware that she'd pulled him in, yet again. _Welcome back to the old Kate Becket_t, he thought to himself with a grin. He moved to straighten out the sheets on the bed as she moved into the bathroom. "You know" he started, "I could not be such a nice guy; offering to help you out as I do, to keep you clean." He spoke with mock indignation in his voice. He waited for her witty comeback, but was met with silence.

"Kate?" he spoke her name. No reply. He moved toward the open bathroom door and saw her standing in the mirror staring at her chest. She had unbuttoned the front of her shirt and it hung, covering her breasts but revealing the white bandage in the center.

"Today is the first day I'm supposed to change it Castle." She spoke to him, but didn't take her eyes off of her reflection in the mirror. She'd gone to see the doctor several days ago and they'd gone ahead and changed it for her again. "I haven't seen it yet. I always looked away when they changed it in the hospital." Castle came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He placed his chin in the crook of her neck. "Would you like me to give you some privacy when you do it Kate?" He'd seen her bullet wound, once in the candle light the night they made love. However, this was different. This was in the harsh light of day and she'd yet to see it for herself.

"No." She spoke softly, "I want you to be here with me." He squeezed her a little tighter and placed a kiss on her neck. "I'm always here Kate. Always." She finally looked up in the mirror, meeting his eyes and smiling at him. "The bag with the dressing" she spoke with a level of determination, "where is it?"

She took her top off in the bathroom. Standing in front of the mirror again. He stood behind her and watched as she moved to peel back the gauze. The only thought that crossed his mind as he watched her in the full light of the bathroom was of her strength and her beauty. He kept his eyes on her reflection while she looked down to remove the bandage. She focused only on the dressing and did her best to avoid looking at the skin. When it was completely removed he looked at her in the mirror once again. In the middle of her chest was a large patch of skin, surrounded on all sides by the stitching that would soon dissolve into a scar. It came up her sternum midway, still a bit below her shoulders, and stretched down to below her breasts. The scar also ran up into both breasts, although only midway and not out towards the tips. It looked as if a patch of skin were placed over the old scar and sewn onto her. He knew that a patch of skin sewn onto her was exactly what happened, given the limitation of skin in the area and the need for wide margins, Kate had been informed that they would be removing a patch of skin from her lower stomach and grafting it onto her chest. The harsh red marks, he knew would soon fade and smooth over. There would be no evidence of a gunshot wound. He looked up to her face to gauge her own expression and was shocked. Kate still had yet to look at her chest. In fact, her eyes were closed.

"Kate" he spoke to her softly. "Rick" she answered, "how bad is it?" He again wrapped both arms around her now naked waist and pulled her against him. "Kate. You're more beautiful than I ever imagined." With his words she opened her eyes, but looked to his in the mirror instead of looking down. She remembered the shock of the first time she looked at her body after the surgery last year. She was familiar with the alarm that crosses your entire being when you look on your own skin and don't recognize it. Kate knew that once she looked down it would become real to her and she would have to process, yet again, that the strange and harsh markings now on her chest were there to stay.

The look on Castle's face, the warmth in his eyes, eased her fears a little bit. She laced her fingers through his and tried to calm her heart's erratic beating. With a deep breath she looked down, and took in her reflection. She gasped at the new terrain of her skin. Shock moved through her and tears filled her eyes as she was completely overwhelmed by the size of it. A single tear slipped down her face as she closed her eyes and looked away from her disfigured chest.

"Hey", he spoke softly to her. "I know it is different, and I know that it is a lot to take in, but Kate listen to me: You're beautiful. You take my breath away." He was going to add 'sexy as hell' but decided not to. Not because he didn't find her sexy because he did, of course. He refrained from the comment because he could tell that her feelings of sexuality would be a bridge they could cross on another day when she was a little more adjusted to the changes in her body.

He did speak softly again though, "Kate. Please open your eyes for a minute." She did, looking only to him and not to her chest. He smiled softly and brought his finger up to where the graft started, without touching it he traced the somewhat irregular pattern of the site in the air as she watched him in the mirror. Once he was finished tracing it, and the shape of the scar was made evident in the air he spoke again. "Kate, do you know what it sort of looks like?" She looked to him in confusion and shook her head. "It kind of looks like the shape of the superman logo, doesn't it?" She didn't respond, but waited for him to finish.

"Kate it is like the most awesomely fitting tattoo in the world, you are literally superman." She looked at him with a mixture of shock and appreciation, touched that he would draw such a comparison.

"It is totally fitting KB. I always told you that you were a superhero. The kickass crime fighter with a superman logo on her freaking chest." She let out a laugh then, smiling up at him with tears building in her eyes.

"It is hard to feel disgusting when you look like a kid on Christmas Castle." She spoke softly.

"Kate Beckett is standing in my bathroom topless, as I hold her against me and she hasn't drop-kicked me or done any other bodily harm. Oh, and I know she loves me. I am a kid on Christmas." He replied sincerely.

"She beamed at him. I do love you, more and more each day Castle."

He helped her change the dressing, and eased her back into her shirt. Together they went back to the bed, crawled in and turned on the TV in her room. As they watched silently, wrapped in eachother's arms, Kate reflected on the new marking on her chest.

It was foreign and it was uncomfortable to look at. She didn't like it. It felt similar to how she felt last summer. However, there was one major difference. Last summer she couldn't imagine how anyone would ever find her attractive without clothing again. She worried that if they saw it they would be filled with disgust.

Those worries were no longer on her mind. Sure there were people who would probably be off-put by her scars. However, she felt that the only person who mattered, and the only person she could ever imagine being allowed to touch it and see it on a regular basis, still found her beautiful. He hadn't changed and his reactions to her hadn't changed. At the end of the day, Kate thought, it's only us anyway. It was an odd feeling to Kate because she wasn't just thinking in the coming months, or even the coming years. Kate Beckett was thinking forever.


	4. Chapter 4

Two weeks into her stay at Castle's loft and three weeks after her surgery, Kate Beckett was off of the heavy duty pain medications, and functioning normally for the most part. She still was not able to do any heavy lifting and had to abstain from vigorous physical activity. Nevertheless, she felt more human, more like herself, than she had since before her diagnosis. She still had not received her pathology results from the surgery and it was weighing on her mind heavily.

"No news is good news, right?" Castle said to her one evening, in attempt to ease her anxieties. "I'm sure that's true", she replied to him with a sigh. Neither one of them truly believed it enough to calm their nerves. In order to distract herself from her worrisome thoughts, Kate decided that she was ready to return to work the following week. "It's just going to be a few hours a day and I'll be on light duty." She'd explained to Castle when he'd reacted to her news.

"Kate, please don't push yourself." He'd urged her. "Remember that you're only three weeks out. The doctor said 6 weeks before you'd be restored to full functioning." She snapped at him in response,

"Damnit Castle, I can't just keep sitting around here doing nothing. I'm useless and the least I can do is help out the boys." Upon seeing him flinch at her outburst she softened a bit.

"Look Rick. I know you're only looking out for me, but I really need to be doing something. I need something to take my mind off of…everything. I can't just keep sitting here." She waited for him to make eye contact with her and then held his gaze. "I promise you that I will take it easy and I won't overdue it. Besides…" She lightened her tone even more, "I'd hoped you'd be right there with me." She smiled to him, hoping that he'd accept her attempt at appeasing his worries.

He nodded to her, taking her hand in his own. "Of course Kate, of course I'll be there with you." He wasn't happy about the decision, but was wise enough to not argue with the detective anymore.

* * *

Beckett arranged the details of her early return to duty with Gates, and begrudgingly turned her weapon over to the captain as assurance that she wouldn't "do anything stupid", as gates had not so warmly put it. Gates had come by to visit Kate twice. The first time was at the hospital, when Kate was still too drugged to carry on much of a coherent conversation. However, the second time was at the loft, after Kate had weaned herself off of the narcotics.

That morning, when Gates made an appearance at the loft, Castle was stunned. He kept himself busy in the kitchen, wiping down the same counter for about 45 minutes, all the while thinking to himself, _she is in my house. Please get her out of my house. _Richard Castle was not afraid of many people, but Victoria Gates was an exception. With a single glare she could take him down, instill the fear of God in him. He swore that she could see right through him and glean his deepest, darkest secrets, its _like she's an overbearing nun and I'm a schoolboy again_, he shuttered. _I'll bet she has a ruler in her pocket, ready to slap me on my wrist for my impure thoughts, _he dejectedly muttered as he wiped the counter down-yet again_._

Much to Richard Castle's shock and horror, the common bond that Gates and Beckett shared brought the women closer together. As they sat in the living room, Beckett found herself venting to the older woman.

"Still no word on the pathology labs," she spoke before admitting, "it's starting to drive me crazy."

Gates responded, "Beckett, if you let it, the waiting will drive you mad. Unfortunately, your life is going to involve quite a bit of waiting now." Without breaking eye contact, she continued. "You can't control what the outcome is going to be. All you can do is focus on what you will do about it in the time being. I've learned from experience that you can choose to dwell on the unknown, and go to the worst-case scenario… but, at the end of the day Kate, you'll find that if you choose this path you will waste a lot of time and a lot of energy fixating on things you can't change." Beckett simply stared at her,

"Sir. I don't know how to not go there. I can't not think about it and I find myself dwelling, especially in the middle of the night when I'm left alone with my thoughts. It keeps me up." Beckett admitted to her superior.

"I know it does Beckett. I'm well aware. Do you know why it does that to you?" Beckett shook her head at her captain's question.

"Because you and I are more alike than you know Kate. You're a control freak, you're a perfectionist. If you weren't you would not have achieved what you have. It has served you well in the past, but if you let it Beckett, it will work against you in the worst possible way." Gates paused for a moment, allowing for the woman to absorb her words, and then continued.

"Beckett, you need to have control. You need to have a plan, to know what is going to happen next. Because you don't know what is going to happen next here, you do the next best thing. You focus on the worst case scenario. You figure that if you can have a contingency plan for the worst, so you'll be in control no matter what." Kate listened to her words and was struck by the accuracy of them. She had been focusing on the worst-case scenario, but wasn't even aware of why she was doing it.

"Sir. I'm afraid I don't know how to stop, how to keep the fear out." Beckett admitted.

"Kate," Gates began, "you don't keep the fear out. Let it in, acknowledge that it is there. Then let in the possibility that everything will be ok in. Acknowledge that too." She paused and smiled, somewhat cynically, "I know I'm giving you this advice like it is an easy thing to do, and I know it's not Beckett. I've struggled with it time and again. Even now, eleven years later, that fear rears its ugly head every time I think I feel a lump, or suspect something could be wrong."

Gates ended their conversation with a final statement "Look. My advice is this. When you're scared, be scared. Don't push it away because you think it's cowardly. Avoiding your emotions is cowardly Kate. When you're angry, be angry. Let yourself experience what you're feeling. It will do you good in the long run, as someone who took years to learn this lesson, trust me."

Kate was surprised at the captain's words, as she'd never pegged her for a touchy-feely type. Not that she was touchy-feely now, but she was talking about emotions. Kate took a moment to wonder if Dr. Burke had gotten his hands on Gates and brain-washed her.

* * *

Her return to work began bright and early on the Monday morning of Kate's fourth week post-surgery. Due to the sensitive spot on her stomach (from where skin had been taken for the graft), jeans were out of the question for the detective. She was also restricted to slightly tighter-fitting camisoles, as a bra wasn't an option yet ether. So, in a black calf-length dress and business blouse, Kate made her way to the precinct. The heels stayed though. Oh yes, not even cancer would separate her from her heels.

To say the boys were surprised was an understatement. She was met with equal parts excitement and concern. They'd been working on a homicide of an interesting sort, involving a murder weapon created from ice. Had someone not staggered upon the body in the alleyway almost immediately after the murder, and had CSU not been quick to respond, they'd never have recovered a murder weapon at all. As it was, a great deal of it had melted away. Certainly fingerprint evidence was gone. Beckett was shocked and intrigued: _an ice knife!_ _Castle is gonna love this_, she thought. She'd risen earlier than the writer, wanting to make her way into work alone.

She'd spent the morning going over evidence from the case, moving to and from the murder board, attempting to build a coherent theory that would explain why someone would use ice as a weapon. She was pulled from her thoughts by the approach of her partner, two coffees in his hand. Beckett smiled to herself, rejoicing in the normalcy of the moment. As Castle took the case in, completely enthralled, Beckett watched him with a smile. It was hard to imagine how much their relationship had changed since the last time they were both here. Since the day she kicked him out of the precinct, out of her life. _Thank God for your insufferable stubborn streak_, she smiled to herself, _for refusing to let me go. _Her musings were short-lived, as the ringing of her cell phone demanded her attention.

"Beckett." She answered her phone in her customary manner.

"Ms. Beckett, this is Dr. Kendall. I have your pathology labs and wanted to meet with you as soon as possible." His urgency did nothing to make her feel better.

"I can come by this afternoon if you've got any openings," Beckett suggested.

Dr. Kendall replied, "That would be great. How about I plan on seeing you in my office at 1?" After agreeing, she hung up her phone.

Castle, who saw the expression on her face when she'd answered her phone, and listened to her end of the conversation, ascertained that she was on the phone with her doctor.

"Pathology labs back in?" He asked softly, keeping his voice down.

"Yeah." She nodded. "appointment at 1."

"well, considering that it's 11:30, how about I take you to lunch before we go to the appointment." Castle suggested.

"That is, unless you don't want me to go with you." He added somewhat apprehensively.

She smiled to him, leaning in to softly whisper "I always want you with me."

He beamed at her words and she softly kissed his lips, pulling back suddenly when she realized where they were. Looking around herself quickly, it appeared as if nobody had noticed their exchange. She sighed in relief, scolding herself for the public display of affection. It wasn't that she minded kissing him, but they weren't exactly 'out' as a couple, and kissing in the middle of the precinct on her first day back on the job was certainly not going to make a good impression. Later, during lunch, Castle questioned her about it.

"Kate. Why were you so bothered by the prospect of other people seeing us kiss?" She could hear the hurt undertones in his voice.

"Rick. I'm not bothered or ashamed of you, of us." As she looked into his eyes she took his hands. "It's just that there is a difference between kissing in public and kissing at work. I don't want to give Gates any excuses to separate us; and our being romantically involved-" She motioned back and forth between them, "would give her that reason. It's a conflict of interest Castle."

"but you're ok with it?" He questioned her. She sighed before she answered.

"I wasn't at first. I was worried about it, but was so distracted by everything else going on that I put it aside. However-" she added, emphasizing that there was a 'but' at the end of her sentence "as I did think about it, I realized something Castle. You and I? We've been in love for years." She waited for his response before questioning him.

"Am I wrong about that Castle?" He shook his head and replied "no."

"Exactly" she said. "We've been in love for years and we make a great team. I think it brings into sync. We complement each other. For us, it works." He smiled at her, somewhat relieved that they were back on the same page.

"But Castle" she added the stipulation, "others, including Gates, might not think like we do. So I would rather keep this between us for now." He nodded, but decided to play devil's advocate.

"I understand, but Kate, we've been together day and night for the past month. I know that the circumstances are very unique, so it does not necessarily indicate that we're in a relationship, but I think the cat may be out of the bag Kate." She just looked at him, taking his words in but choosing not to take the topic any further.

* * *

Shortly after 1pm the partners sat in Dr. Kendall's office, waiting for his news.

"Alright Kate." The doctor began "The margins on your primary mass were clear, indicating that we got all the cancer." She smiled and let out a sigh of relief, but before she could speak he continued.

"The secondary nodules on your sternum were a bit less clear." He stood up and turned on the same image from her CT scan a month ago, before the surgery.

"This nodule" he said, pointing to the middle of the three secondary tumors, "definitely has clear margins". However, "we have reason to doubt that the top-most mass did. Furthermore," he continued, moving his hands down to the spot on her rib, "the pathology labs confirmed that we did not obtain clear margins here."

"We took longer to get the labs back to you because we were attempting to re-check and confirm the histology report." Kate simply nodded, and said nothing. She felt Castle's hand upon hers, lacing his fingers in her own and squeezing her hand.

"What does this mean now?" Castle asked the doctor.

Dr. Kendall replied, "Well, obviously we would have liked to have obtained complete success removing the tumors. Because of the nature of the sarcoma, and the patterns of their growth, it is unfortunately not uncommon to not take out enough tissue. There wasn't much to work with, and the projections from the tumors are microscopic, making identifying contaminated areas, for lack of a better term, very difficult." He stopped a moment to gauge Kate's reaction, when he saw that she was nodding he continued.

"This actually doesn't change much Kate. Our reason for giving chemotherapy is to attack any cancer cells that may have been left in the body. The major difference is that we're going to go ahead and start treatment this week, as opposed to waiting until you're fully healed." Castle looked at the doctor, with shock and apprehension.

"Dr. Kendall, is that dangerous for her?" He asked the oncologist.

"No, I don't believe it is. Waiting a bit would have given her a chance to re-build her strength and immunities, as well as make her more comfortable in handling the chemotherapy. However, given that she is feeling well enough to return to work, I think she's ready for it, physically speaking."

Kate finally spoke, "So how is treatment going to happen?"

The doctor answered her, "Kate, we're going to attack this with all we've got. We're going to use a combination of medications that have been established in the field, and that have shown the highest rates of effectiveness in killing the cancer cells. We want to be aggressive in order to do our best to ensure it does not spread." She nodded, somewhat glad that they were being aggressive, but also terrified of what the physical consequences of being so juristic would be. As if reading her thoughts, Castle asked,

"What can Kate expect from the treatment, physically speaking."

"Well," the doctor began, "we will be using the combination of two drugs, Ifosfamide and doxorubicin. These are both what we call high-toxicity drugs. Because of that, you will have what we refer to as inpatient chemotherapy. You will have 6 treatments, one per month for the next 6 months. You will come in to the hospital and stay for 4 days each month while you receive treatment."

"Excuse me?" Kate responded in shock. "I thought chemotherapy was done as an outpatient thing, you go to a center, sit in a chair and have a bag of poison through IV. Three hours or so and you're done." She was on the verge of yelling now, "Why the hell do I need to spend a week in the hospital every month? Why can't I just go one day out of the month and have it done at some center?"

The doctor looked at Kate sympathetically, "Many patients do have outpatient chemotherapy, but with these drugs Kate, you'll need to have constant monitoring, and you'll need to have intravenous replacement of certain types of blood cells. We'll need to monitor your platelets as well. It will also allow for us to pay close attention to your liver and kidney functioning while you receive the drugs."

Kate stood up suddenly, shaking her head. With a quick and angry "No. Just…No.," she swiftly left the office.

Castle sat, somewhat shocked by her sudden departure, but completely understanding of his partner's motivations. "Doctor, I'll talk with her." He told the older man.

Dr. Kendall nodded and spoke, "I understand that this is a great deal for her to take in, but the sooner we can get her started the better." Castle nodded in understanding. "Go ahead and set it up and I'll talk with her. She just needs time to process everything." The doctor stood and shook Castle's hand, handed him several pamphlets on chemotherapy, and informed him that someone would be in touch with Beckett soon to schedule her first treatment session.

He found her a little ways down a trail leading out of the medical offices, sitting in the grass under the shade of several trees. She looked so much smaller than he'd ever seen her, more vulnerable. He softly walked, as to not startle her from her thoughts.

"I just needed to get out of there." She spoke without turning around, a tremble in her voice. "I just needed-" she abruptly stopped speaking, words caught in her throat. He kneeled behind her and placed both hands on her shoulders. At his touch she let out a sob, "it's just not fair Rick, it's not fair." She reached up the back of her hand and wiped the tears from her cheeks. He leaned himself against the back of a tree and pulled her with him, cradling her in his arms and whispering comforting words into her ears. There they sat, both taking in the news and allowing themselves to grieve.

A while later he helped her up, kissed her swollen cheeks, and walked her back to the car. "What can I do to make you feel better Kate?" He asked, hoping that she'd have some idea, although nothing in the world would be good enough to fix this. As she sat in the car, she responded, "I want to take a bath. I want to get clean. I just want to feel normal again." As they drove away, he took her hand again, kissing it as if he had the power to take away her pain.

* * *

That evening Kate stayed to herself. There had been talk of her returning to her apartment now that she was back at work, but that option seemed lost to her now. Once again, Kate Beckett felt her world spinning out of control. Shortly past 9pm she heard the soft knocking at her door. She turned as he entered her room.

"I've been thinking", he began. "I have a bigger room, and my master bathroom is connected to it. It is equipped with a large bath tub, and is easily twice the size of this one." Kate was touched at what he was suggesting, but decided she would play him a little bit. "Rick I would love to switch rooms with you. It would be great." She smiled at him sweetly, relieved to have something to joke about after the day they'd had.

"Well, that's not quite what I meant, but if you-" She stopped him by placing a finger on his lips. "I know Castle, and I think it's a great idea. It will be nice to have a bit more room and more privacy in the coming months too." His bedroom was separated from the other rooms in the loft by his office, offering somewhat more isolation. They'd already been spending most nights in the same bed anyhow, she would be happy to know that he would be comfortable in his own bed if they moved there.

He helped her pack up her things to relocate them, making room in his drawers and closets. There was already plenty of room in the bathroom for her things. His room was darker than her guest room, not gloomy, but intimate. The walls were lined with rich, deep colors, blues and deep purples. "Its not purple, its eggplant," he argued, "its manly." She laughed at him and swatted his arm. "Sure Castle", was her response.

Once she was settled in she went into the bathroom. She was allowed to get the area on her lower stomach wet, as those stitches had dissolved. She would finally be able to submerge her lower body in water. However, because there was still internal stitching on her chest she had to use care to avoid it. She'd taken showers, by using a hand held nozzle to wash her hair and by keeping her chest away from the spray. However, she loved her baths and desperately wanted one.

She ran the water in the giant tub, pouring a bit of her bubble bath as the tub began to fill. He was sitting on the closed toilet seat talking with her as she moved about to get the necessary supplies. When it was time for her to disrobe he moved to give her privacy.

"I'll just be out there if you need me" he said motioning to the bedroom. She turned to him as she removed her blouse; motioning him to help her with the zipper on her black dress as she called him over to her. "I'd like it if you stayed." She spoke, her words sounding somewhat more like a question than a statement. He unzipped her dress and helped her out of it. As she removed her top and her underwear she turned again to him,

"I could use your help getting my back, it still hurts to turn and reach Rick." He nodded to her and walked over to grab her loofah and her bodywash, _cherries_, he thought to himself. He turned back to her, standing outside of the tub in not a stitch of clothing. The gauze had been removed from low on her stomach to reveal the healing scar, now without stitches. "Are you going to get in?" He asked her.

"After you do" was her reply.

He slowly placed her bodywash and puff on the side of the tub, and began to remove his clothing. Soon he was stepping into the tub. As he got used to the temperature, he moved to sit against the back, the water coming up just above his waist. She stepped in next and allowed him to guide her into him as she sat in the water. She let out a sigh as she let the water surround her, raising just above her stomach as she leaned back into him.

He brushed her hair to the side, giving himself complete access to the back of her neck and her shoulder. Next to the tub was some sort of remote control, mounted to a holder on the wall. He reached for it and pointed it toward the stereo system on the opposite side of the bathroom. He found a station and adjusted the volume so that the soft music drifted and provided an ambiance to the room. Taking her white loofah and pouring some of her body wash onto it, he began rubbing circles on her shoulders and arms. He leaned his chin into the crook of her neck to inhale the sweet scent of soap mixed with Kate. She sighed and rested her head against his chest, allowing his arms to snake around her waist and his hands to access her stomach. He moved the soap to wash her front, using care to avoid the bandage on her sternum.

Once she was covered with soap, he dropped the sponge into the water, replacing it with his hands. He continued to lather the wash into her skin, using it to massage her arms, neck, and stomach. He rubbed small circles into her waist, slowly moving his hands up towards her breasts. He paused for a moment when he felt her breath catch. Taking her appreciative moan as an urge to continue, he began to caress her breasts lightly with the backs of his fingertips. He used care to avoid the sensitive inner edges, where her incision was. He moved his hands up to her collar bone, caressing each side of her lightly as he moved to place kisses up and down her neck. Finally, he moved to rinse her off, cupping water in his hands and rubbing down her soapy areas.

It was apparent to both of them that he was becoming aroused. He did his best to ignore it, but knew that it was completely pointless to hide with her pressed so completely against him. She moaned again and pushed back into him slightly, causing him to groan in kind. "Kate. I think that maybe we should get out now, I don't want things to get out of control." He really didn't want to give her the idea that he was trying to start something with her, especially considering her healing state combined with the day she'd had.

Kate understood his hesitation; it had been an intense day. However, she was emotionally raw and needed him. She had also been acutely aware that they'd only been together once, over a month ago. She craved him. Conveying her desire and permission, she reached her hand up to one of his, which had trailed back down her arm. As she laced their fingers, she pulled his hand to follow hers. Very softly she spoke, "I need you to touch me." With that she moved his hand to dip below the water and seek where she needed him the most. He brought her over the edge quickly, and she shifted to place herself onto his lap, giving them both what they needed without harming her in any way. There, in the warm bath water, with one arm tightly wrapped around her waist to keep her in place against him, they spent themselves; whispering words of love and learning more of how to bring each other pleasure.

Later they lie together in bed, their positions mimicking how he'd held her earlier in the day outside of the doctor's office. She began, "I know that I'm going to have to go into treatment Castle." He let out a deep breath, rubbing circles on her skin. "Yes, you are."

"I told the doctor to contact you tomorrow, once you've had time to absorb his news. They'll be wanting to set up your first treatment soon." He continued.

She whispered, "I know. I saw the pamphlets you came home with and figured that you'd taken care of things after I left." After another pause she added, "thank you Rick."

As if on cue, he responded "Always."

She was not looking forward of what was coming, but at least she was secure in his staying by her side; and that was something.


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks as always for reading. I really appreciate that people finding these stories moving. Such great feedback :) **

* * *

The weeks passed by in a blur. Time seemed to speed up and to slow down at the same time. Specifically, the days she felt normal, or as close to normal as she thought possible, seemed to fly; whereas, her bad days inched by as if time itself had slowed down. Her first treatment had been painful, to say the least. She'd followed through and allowed for the doctors to schedule her in to begin chemotherapy. She and Castle spent time together reading the pamphlets that Beckett sardonically gave the title "What to Expect When You're Expecting…Chemo." Any and all attempts at humor were taken as sign of her positive coping by Castle and were therefore encouraged. The list was long, not to mention terrifying.

"So, over the next 6 months I can expect to enjoy the following: nausea, vomiting, diarrhea **and **constipation, tingling in my hands and feet, chills and night sweats-again, fatigue and general feelings of malaise." She read from the list in one of the pamphlets, forcing her voice to sound like she were a game show announcer and she'd just won something. Castle smiled at her and rubbed her back lovingly. Beckett continued, "That isn't counting the fact that my hair is going to fall out." "Loose all of your hair and you'll still be beautiful to me." Rick softly told her. They spent time shopping around for scarves and bandanas, as well as warmer clothing (chronic feelings of coldness were another potential side effect to expect).

One afternoon in particular, the day before her first scheduled treatment, she had lunch with Lanie. The women caught up on life in general and Lanie, attempting to be optimistic, pointed out that the ordeal finally brought her and Castle together. Of course, Lanie was threatened on penalty of death to not reveal their status as a couple to anyone, as only Martha and Alexis were certain about the change in their relationship. Following lunch the women went to visit a hairdresser that had come recommended to Kate.

Her name was Sylvia, she looked to be in her early to mid 60s, and had a vitality that rivaled Martha. It should not have come as a surprise, as Martha had given Kate the woman's information. Sylvia was known for working with cancer patients, before, during and after treatment. There were things, Kate learned, that she could do to lengthen the time she would have her own hair (although in the face of drugs as toxic as those in her regimen, she doubted it would matter). Tips started with shortening her hair. Although she wasn't happy to do it, she'd agreed that the extra weight of long hair may not be ideal. Also out were things Kate had never imagined. No blow drying, curling or ironing, no chemicals of any kind. Most surprising to Kate was the warning to keep hair down, as pulling it back or braiding it would place strain on the roots. Finally, if she decided to take that route, Kate also knew that Sylvia was a master when it came to hair pieces, with a keen ability to find the 'perfect' wig for each of her clients. When she left the hair dresser that afternoon, her hair was considerably shorter, resting just above her shoulders. The final piece of advice that Kate had been given was to start wearing hats and scarves everywhere. Not only would her treatment make her skin incredibly sun sensitive, but any exposure of her scalp to the sun would be detrimental. She used it as an excuse to ease herself into wearing scarves around her head.

* * *

On the morning she was to leave for her first treatment, Rick drove Kate to the hospital. She'd packed a bag with clothing, relieved to learn that at least she'd be allowed to wear her own loose-fitting outfits. She also brought books, music and movies with her. Castle had seen to it that she'd been set up in a comfortable room, and had been sure that a DVD player was included. The bed, Kate noticed with only mild surprise, also appeared to be big enough for two. She wasn't complaining, but really did not want to know the expense he'd gone to in arranging her comfort. She would be staying an entire week for her first time, as opposed to the normal 4 days because they would be inserting a port. She was informed by Dr. Kendall that the trauma to the veins in her arms would be too uncomfortable, and the risk was much higher to her tissue due to the toxicity of the chemicals. Therefore, inserting a port just beneath her skin, complete with a catheter, would allow for easier access for both treatments and blood withdraw/monitoring. It was a simple procedure, one that she was sedated for, but she was given a few days to rest in the hospital to make her more comfortable when the treatment did start.

By day three of her hospital stay she was ready to begin with the actual chemotherapy. She was thankful for the port because, although somewhat uncomfortable at first, it left both arms free, and she would be allowed to ambulate while receiving treatments if she felt up to it because she had the port. Treatment only lasted for one complete day, a few hours of hydration through saline, drug to prevent kidney bleeding, first drug administration, more hydration, drug to counteract platelet loss, second administration, and yet more hydration. She spent the morning up and around, walking around the room, the hallways, and venturing to the cafeteria for poor quality food (meal delivery from then on out was warranted). There was a small corner in the room with a table set up where they would play cards. At other times they'd lay in bed and watch movies together.

By the end of the first day of treatment she was tired, and quite nauseated. She did not get sick because anti-nausea medications had been added to the cocktail administered through her port, and had prevented her from becoming violently ill. She'd slept soundly through the night and was feeling pretty good the following day. It left her feeling quite optimistic, thinking that she might just be able to handle the treatment afterall. She didn't feel too bad the day after that ether, a little tired, but nothing that Kate couldn't handle.

Alexis came by with food late in the afternoon on her 5th day in the hospital, bringing a strawberry milkshake special for Kate. They'd forced Rick to go home and spend some time out of the hospital while they had girl time. As they lay together in Kate's bed, snuggled under hospital blankets and the purple fleece that Alexis had given Kate the day of her surgery, the girls chatted about life. Alexis was still trying to decide where to go to college, and given that Kate had made the decision to move out west when she was Alexis' age, she'd wanted the older woman's opinions and stories. Both understood the importance of choosing a strong college, academically speaking, as Alexis was pre-med. Kate, having been pre-law herself during her undergraduate years, could identify with the heavy load that came with preparing for later success. She'd also encouraged Alexis to think about a place where she could get out on her own and gain experiences, to figure out who she was and what she wanted from the world. Rick would be furious with her, but Kate couldn't deter the girl from choosing a school far away if it was in her best interest.

Following their lengthy conversation, both Kate and Alexis curled up and fell asleep while watching UP. When Rick returned to the hospital he couldn't help but take a picture with his phone, the scene before him was way too endearing to miss. After awhile he woke Alexis to send her home, taking the girl's place in bed next to Beckett.

Day six started suddenly with Kate bolting from the hospital bed and to the bathroom. She'd only had a milkshake the previous night for dinner and most of it was digested. However, traces of it were forced violently out of her system as she leaned over the toilet in the small hospital bathroom. For what seemed like hours she heaved, until nothing came up anymore. She was too distracted to hear him enter the room, so she wasn't alerted to his presence until she felt his hand rubbing soft circles on her back. He helped her up and back to bed. That morning Kate hurt everywhere, she layered on clothing, but couldn't seem to stay warm. Her head pounded and her muscles ached. To put it lightly, she felt as if she were coming down with the flu. She spent the day in bed, Rick at her side.

Because she was not running a fever, and her white blood cells were adequate (low, but adequate) she was allowed to return home the following day. What little energy she had got her into Castle's bed, _their bed_. For the most part Kate stayed in that bed. Finding herself too weak to be up and moving around for long periods of time. On occasions when she would get up to move around, she would usually find herself on the couch, reading or watching a movie, soon enough she would always fall asleep.

Rick stayed with her and took care of her as best he could, on one day in particular he brought her some fruit. The nurses advised him that on days when she was feeling particularly ill, such as today, she would be best suited for cold foods. Hot foods were more likely to trigger nausea and vomiting, theoretically due to their likelihood to smell. Rick had decided on watermelon because of the lightness and the high water content. He had tried meats and cheeses, but she was unable to keep them down. For the most part Kate stopped eating, with the exception of the few things Rick could get into her. The treatment left her with absolutely no appetite. In fact, the treatment left her without the ability to sense her own hunger at all. Kate would stare at herself in the mirror, the hollowed out look in her eyes, the circles under her eyes very prominent, she'd also noticed her hair thinning. It started out fairly light, loosing several strands by the end of her first week at home.

She had more energy by the second week-post treatment, found that she was able to be up and around more often. She'd even gone to the precinct a couple of times to help the boys with whatever case they were working on. Those days were the best days, as she felt more normal and felt more useful. She quickly learned that the days she stayed hydrated were the days she felt best. The fatigue and the body aches lessened substantially on days following high amounts of hydration. Her hair continued to fall out though, seemingly increasing in amount each day.

* * *

By the time Kate was ready to start her second round of treatment, her hair was gone. She wore scarves wherever she went, and kept bandannas around her head, even during the nights. As the weeks went by she started to settle into a routine. She'd also dropped a substantial amount of weight, considering it had only been a month since the start of treatment. Supplemental shakes were introduced to her diet to help her keep her nutrient levels up and she did her best to stomach some fruits and vegetables. Dairy did not agree with her, so her favorite strawberry milkshake was soon replaced with a strawberry non-dairy smoothie. Alexis spent a great deal of time helping her to find recipes of things she could eat. It empowered the teen and helped her to feel that she was doing something _real _for Kate, which she was.

Her second round of treatment was uneventful, she felt pretty good the first two days, declining substantially towards the end of her stay. The week after her treatment was spent resting, with her energy levels at an all-time low. The familiar achy feeling returned and stayed with her a bit longer this time, leaving Kate feeling as if she were coming down with the flu. The simplest of tasks wore her out, and she found the nausea to be overwhelming. Bath time became a somewhat regular occurrence with her and Castle. She would lie back against him and he would help to wash her. She no longer required his help, as the gauze had been removed and her surgical site was healing nicely. However, the intimacy it provided them offered an emotional respite to the pain of daily life. Playing the radio softly, with candles lit, he would simply hold her against him. The feeling of her skin on his, of his arms wrapped around her comforted her deeply. It had been awhile since anything more intimate had happened, as her physical state made her feel too weak and tired. However, Rick was completely content to hold her, hoping that she believed him every day when he told her that she was still the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

On one evening, after a particularly hard day for Beckett, they lay together in the bath tub. As he washed her arms, her back, her chest and her stomach, a familiar song began to play. Although it was one that Kate had not heard in awhile, she recalled the words and softly sang along:

"_For you, they'll be no crying._

_For you, the sun will be shining. _

'_Cause I feel that when I'm with you, it's alright. I know it's right." _

A tear slipped down Rick's cheek, his heart filled with an overwhelming pain and with immense joy at the same time. Never in his life had he ever experienced such a feeling. He felt incredible pain in the helplessness of their situation, that he had to sit back and watch the love of his life in a struggle that he could not save her from. She was battling something that she couldn't simply drop-kick, or threaten her way out of. He grieved for the part of her that seemed to be lost to this disease. Yet, he also felt an incredible joy in that he could simply hold her. That he could hear her sweet voice and feel her soft skin.

As he listened to her beautiful voice, he planted kisses along her brow and caressed her cheek. He then tilted his head into the back of hers, allowing the thin material of her short bandana to soak his tears as he listened to her song.

"_And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score _

_and I love you, I love you, I love you _

_like never before." _

Kate had never been in quite a place before, emotionally speaking. When she'd been shot she didn't have a moment to process how fleeting life could actually be. By the time she able to think of anything she was already healing. Here, in this moment with Castle, she will filled a sad sense of longing. She longed for a future that suddenly seemed uncertain. She yearned for time; for the time to grow old with the man who was holding her, to be able to be his wife and carry his children. She was desperate for a lifetime that she might never have. In that moment Kate wanted to stop time completely, to spend eternity with him in that room, together. She never wanted to stop feeling the rise and fall of his chest against, she never wanted to stop inhaling that scent that was uniquely _him _as he surrounded her_._ She continued to sing, hoping that he could feel the love that she couldn't express, that words would never capture.

"_To you, I would give the world._

_To you, I'd never be cold._

'_Cause I feel that I'm with you it's alright. _

_I know it's right. _

_And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score. _

_And I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Like never before. _

_Like never before._

_Like never before." _

As the soft strumming of the guitar began to fade the lovers remained there, lost in their thoughts... In their desperate hopes for a future that they knew might never come.

* * *

**A/N: I don't own the song :)**

**It is called "Songbird" and it is by Eva Cassidy. You can find it on youtube. It totally wrote the last scene of this chapter...**


	6. Chapter 6

Two weeks after her second chemotherapy session she started to feel better again. It seemed that Kate had fallen into a routine. She felt the most horrible during the week directly after her treatment, and would gradually improve over the following week. By week three she would feel at her best, not great, but she usually had enough energy to function fairly normally. She continued in this pattern through her third treatment as well, her body becoming somewhat more adjusted to feelings of weakness and exhaustion. The doctors provided her with some medications to take at home, which helped control the nausea between hospital visits.

She started wearing loose clothing, today she'd adorned a peasant blouse and long skirt, in a feeble attempt to hide her weight loss. She also had her favorite scarf wrapped around her head, the smooth, purple material coursing down her shoulder. Large earrings adorned her ears, compliments of Lanie, giving the woman a bohemian style. It was markedly not her, but was definitely an improvement over the _sickly cancer patient_ fashion statement she so desperately wanted to avoid. The major change to her sense of fashion came about with the help of all three women in her life, Lanie, Martha and Alexis, who had taken her shopping shortly after she discovered that she could no longer wear her signature heels. Another side effect of the chemotherapy, the doctor informed her when she complained, was neuropathy-or tingling in her hands and feet. It made walking slightly more difficult and high heels impossible. So, there stood a completely different Beckett, complete in ballet flats. It was a look that, although foreign, was appreciated by the man in her life, who insisted _that she would look sexy as hell in a paper bag_.

It was during the third week of her third month of chemotherapy, in late July, when Kate had to face the next harsh reality of her illness. She'd gone to the precinct, as working on the murder board provided the perfect solution to help her keep her mind off of things. While standing at the murder board, the boys filled her and Castle in on their current case, spinning the tale of a woman who had been found face down in the Hudson. Soon she and Castle had gotten into one of their famous _we finish each other's sentences, _theory-building dialogues. They tossed the story back and forth, each adding the next part of the probable story. However, Kate abruptly stopped when, with alarm, she found that she could no longer find the words to express herself. She'd noticed small differences lately, namely in problems with focus and concentration. She'd also found that from time to time she would not be able to retrieve the word that she was looking for to express herself. It was as if her brain would suddenly slow to a crawl and forget. However, her fuzzy brain was never as evident as it was in that moment, in front of Castle and the boys. Just when she thought things couldn't get worse, she was then suddenly hit with a strong wave of nausea. Unable to make it to the bathroom, Kate ran to her desk and vomited into her trashcan. She was mortified, although there was nothing but liquid in her stomach, she couldn't imagine anything worse happening. The three men looked at her somberly, two wishing that they could spare her the embarrassment and the third wishing that he could take her place for awhile and carry the pain for her. That was the last time Kate entered the precinct that summer.

When Castle arrived home he found her in the loft, standing by the windows and looking out at her city. She had her arms wrapped around her slender body, with pain on her features and tears coursing down her pale face. He approached her and wrapped her into his embrace, kissing the soft material on the top of her head. He wanted to do something to make it all better for her, to take her away from it all.

"Kate." He spoke her name softly, "after your treatment next week, why don't we go away together; just you and I. I've been meaning to get you to my house in the Hamptons for quite some time now."

What Kate wanted, more than anything, was to leave. She wanted to go and be alone, to be by herself so that nobody else would have to watch her fall apart. However, she knew better than to do that. He'd stayed with her this long, and despite her instinct to run, she owed it to him to not shut him out. _Afterall_, she thought to herself, _I did promise him. _She just wished things were easier for her, for them both.

"Kate?" He asked again, still awaiting her response. "What do you think?"

She turned to him and smiled feebly, trails of tear stains still on her face, and replied "I think getting out of the city would be wonderful."

* * *

As planned, following Kate's fourth round of treatment they'd headed for the Hamptons. Much to Kate's objection, he'd arranged for a driver to take them. She didn't want to be "_flashy_" as she called it, but he'd insisted. Soon after they set out she realized why he was so adamant on their taking the limo. As they made their way out of the city, Kate felt overcome with the need to lay back, with a combination of nausea, dizziness and fatigue from the recent treatment hitting her at once. With the spacious back seats, Kate was able to lay down. He placed a pillow under her head, which was propped on his lap, and wrapped her in a blanket, urging her to sleep while they drove.

A while later he woke her, informing her that they'd arrived._ His home is beautiful_, she sighed to herself as she took everything in. It wasn't as oversized as she'd imagined it would be. It looked comfortable and spacious, but had a homey feeling to it too. He took her hand and led her up the stairs and through the front door. There she saw a small lobby, a living area, a kitchen, and a bathroom. She noted the expanse of windows, lending the beautiful glow of natural lighting to the space. Through the kitchen she saw sliding glass doors, which opened to a large back deck, featuring a table and chairs, as well as a porch swing. The deck looked to be split level, with the table and swing on the top level, and a hot tub on the lower level, complete with very comfortable looking reclining patio chairs.

The view from the deck took her breath away, as it opened to a small path leading directly down to the beach. Kate already longed to inhale the salty air and feel the brown sand between her toes. He took her hand again and led her upstairs, where she saw two bedrooms, which she assumed belonged to Martha and Alexis. The master bedroom was spacious, and much lighter than his room at the loft. The master bath was also lighter, complete with another large tub.

As soon as they settled in she pulled out the large hat she'd brought to protect her from the sun, along with the light cotton cover-up (which served the same purpose). She made her way to one of the patio chairs and laid down. Although she'd gone to read, the exhaustion from the day, along with the fatigued state of her body soon saw her drifting off to sleep. Given that the sun was setting, Rick lit some torches down by the hot tub to provide light, and prepared them a light dinner.

She soon woke to his planting a kiss on her lips. As she pushed herself upright she noticed that he'd placed a light blanket over her and had brought a folding table for her. A variety of fruits and vegetables were provided, along with saltines and a protein-infused smoothie. She smiled lovingly at him and ate what she could. Soon she had to lie back into the recliner again, eyes drifting shut, weakened by yet another round of chemotherapy. He spent a while simply watching her. Her chest rose and fell softly in even breaths. She had on another white cotton peasant blouse, although the short sleeves on this top revealed how slender her arms had become from treatment. Her skin was pale to the point of translucent, deep circles beneath her eyes. He knew that she'd lost her hair quickly, which was expected with the toxicity of her treatment killing all rapid-growing cells in her body (her hair being the first major casualty). She'd not let him see her without her hair, always wearing something to cover her head.

As he sat there watching her, he wished more than anything that she'd just let her guard down. He did acknowledge that she had been doing great with many things, the old Beckett would never have let him hold her when she cried, or admitted when she was feeling poorly. This Beckett, the new Kate, was doing her best to let him in and Rick appreciated it. Still, he wished he could somehow communicate to her that she needn't be ashamed of the changes in her body. Even now, pale and underweight, hairless and fragile, she was still the most beautiful and magnificent creature he'd ever seen. The changes in her physical features had done nothing but amplify the depth of her strength. He sighed to himself, feeling helpless for her yet again. Still, they'd made strides in their relationship. It was never better exemplified than it was that night when, for the first time, she allowed him to carry her to their bed.

* * *

Days passed peacefully on the beach, a great deal of time was spent with his writing. He'd started reading sections of his newest book to her, and she'd offered him tips and insights when he was feeling blocked. They watched movies and when she was feeling especially lively, she'd pull out her guitar and play a few songs for him. He never tired of hearing her voice. They would wait until dusk to go down to the beach, as she was too sensitive to be in direct sunlight. They'd walk down the shore until she tired and had to turn back. They would sit out on the beach at night, watching the way the waves would capture the moonlight, looking almost as if they glowed. Every now and then when the waves would crash, the florescence of the phytoplankton would light up the foam. The sight took her breath away. There they would sit. He would tell her funny stories from his childhood to make her laugh. She in return would tell him stories about her mom, which always brought a smile to his face. On several occasions they would lie back on a blanket and watch for shooting stars.

As the weeks began to fly by Kate became increasingly quiet. She'd spend more and more time alone, seemingly lost in her thoughts. When asked about it she would simply smile and tell him she'd been thinking. She'd never give him details about where her mind had gone. Kate would walk out to the beach and sit, often getting lost in her thoughts. She'd consider how much her life had changed in the past year. She'd consider her relationship with Castle and her future at work. Kate Beckett would consider the future in general. Although she'd adopted the mantra of _live in the present_, she couldn't help her mind running away from her on occasion. It was during these times that she'd realized that she had lost something much deeper than any physical scar. Kate Beckett lost the ability to take her future for granted. She couldn't plan what she was going to do in 6 months, or a year. She couldn't bank on being around 5 years down the road, couldn't imagine the things that she'd do when she turned 35 or 40. This is when Kate realized that she was no longer a safe bet, for herself or for anyone else.

During one occasion in particular, Kate was so lost in her thoughts, in her uncertainty about the future, that she didn't her Castle approaching. As he came to sit beside her, his bare feet digging the sand, she emerged from her thoughts and smiled at him.

"Hey partner." She nudged him.

"Hey yourself, come here often?" He quipped.

She wrapped her arms around her knees and leaned into his side, allowing her head to rest on his shoulder. He leaned into her as well, and they both looked out onto the ocean.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He spoke.

She smiled and let out a sigh. "I'm just thinking about the future. I'm thinking about all the things I want and-" Kate abruptly stopped talking. She didn't finish the sentence, she couldn't. All of the worries, the angst she'd been struggling with came crashing in on her.

"and what Kate?" He urged her to finish her thought. She hesitated, but continued.

"and I'm thinking that every scenario I envision involves you." She swallowed and looked into his eyes. He met her gaze with a smile and said "that makes two of us."

"Oh really?" she quipped, "every possible future you see for yourself involves you too?" She was desperately trying to lighten the mood.

He laughed and nodded, "well yes, actually it does." Smiling to her he added, "but you're there too." At his words the smile left her face and she turned away.

"What is it Kate?" He questioned her. She'd seemed distant over the past few days and he couldn't get her to open up. He urged her to look at him, but she would not.

"Castle, it's not fair. It's not fair to you." She spoke, her head remained turned away from him.

"Kate what are you talking about? What's not fair to me? You're with me and that's all I've ever wanted. You know that."

"Castle." She spoke as she stood up. He followed suit and soon they were facing eachother. "Look Rick. I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I don't know if the cancer is gone, if it's still there, if it's spread. I just don't know." She looked to him desperately, pain on her features. "Rick, for all I know it's spread. It's somewhere…in my body…and there's nothing I can do about it. It could kill me and-".

"No. no Kate. You'll be just fine. It's not going to kill you. You've got to think positive. It's-".

"No!" she interrupted him, "You can't say that Rick. You can't say that it's going to be alright. You don't know that. I don't know that." She was yelling now, on the verge of tears. "Everyone wants me to be positive. To have a positive attitude, but the fact is that this could KILL me Rick. I could DIE from this."

He was shaking, as he tried but failed to keep his own emotions in check. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't see that? God Kate. I've been here. I've been watching you every day, getting weaker. I know that Kate, but I can't think about that." He paused and brought his voice under control. "I can't think about that Kate. I can't imagine my life without you in it. Do you get that?"

She looked at him, tears running down her face. "Yes, Rick. I do." She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. "That's the problem Rick. This isn't fair to you."

Rick was confused. "What isn't fair to me Kate?"

"Castle. I'm not a guarantee. I can't give you the future that you see." She tried to make him understand.

"Kate. None of us are guaranteed. Tomorrow I could walk out into traffic and get-."

"Don't you dare." She yelled at him. "Don't you dare try to patronize me. Don't give me that _none of us are guaranteed another day_ bullshit Castle. There is a hell of a difference between you, who could walk out in front of a truck tomorrow... and me" She took a breath and continued, unable to stop herself now. "You could get hit by a truck when you cross the street. But ME? I'm standing in the street Castle. I'm standing in the middle of damned street and I'm stuck there… and the truck is coming right at me, full force. We are NOT in the same situation."

Castle ran his hands through his hair and took a breath and attempted to de-escalate the situation. "Kate. I'm sorry. You're right. It's not the same and I shouldn't have insinuated that it was. It's just that you're scaring me Kate. I can feel you pulling back from me. I know that you're scared, and so am I." He desperately tried to make her understand his words.

"Kate. You can't just close yourself off to the possibility of a future because you're scared of one potential outcome. If you do than then you damn us both to a miserable future." He tried to move closer to her, to take her into his arms, but she backed away.

"Castle, I'm sorry. I think it might be easier this way. I'm sorry. I love you." She let out a sob and turned from him, moving to walk back to the house.

"Beckett!" He yelled to her, "Kate! You promised me. You promised me that you wouldn't do this."

She finally stopped, turning back to him for a moment. There, in the moonlight, she responded. "I'm sorry Castle. I'm so sorry. I tried, but I can't do this." With that she was gone, out of his sight and back into the house.

Rick simply fell to his knees on the beach and let himself grieve.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah...I know, but it had to be done. The anxiety and the anger are such a big deal, as is the urge to push people away. **

**I know where I'm going and I know where they will end up. Getting there isn't easy though. Thanks for reading and review please :) -Addison S. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again. I continue to be so very moved by your reviews. I'm sorry the last chapter left things as they were. I'm also sorry I can't get these up any faster. This week has been very busy, hectic work schedule and all. Hell, I got a reminder e-mail from Starbucks that my birthday is next week. Downside: forgetting your own birthday. Upside: Free drink next Wednesday! I don't care what they say, birthdays are always awesome... So I aim to have this story done by my 4th annual 29th Birthday ;) Anyhow, I feel a bit successful getting as much of this up as I have considering my week! Happy Friday :) **

* * *

Kate Beckett sat on the bed and wiped the tears from her face. She wasn't sure there was any point to it considering that within seconds new ones had taken their place. She was exhausted, physically and mentally, and was sickened by the amount of pain she'd caused Castle. She knew he didn't deserve her outburst, but she was afraid that if she didn't pull back now he'd never recover if he lost her. She felt lost; completely confused and without a clue as to what she should do next. Lying down onto the bed, she rolled onto her side in somewhat of a fetal position and stared at the wall facing the large bedroom window. The whole situation seemed hopeless. She couldn't live with him and she couldn't live without him. Another tear streamed down her cheek, dripping from the side of her face and onto the bed.

"You're already a part of me you know." She didn't hear him enter the room and his words startled her. "You're already ingrained within me. You're my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. It's been that way for some time Kate." He softly spoke to her from behind.

"Castle please. I'm just tired. I'm sorry I yelled at you and I'm sorry I ran, I shouldn't have done that; but Castle, I'm too tired now." Her voice sounded hollow, dejected even.

"It's ok Kate. You don't need to talk, but I need you to listen to me, ok?" He waited for some sign that she'd heard him. When he saw the slight nod of her head he continued.

"I know you've lost a lot Kate. I know that you're scared of what is going to happen next. I know that all the plans you made suddenly feel under threat. Maybe they are under threat Kate. Because you're right, I can't tell you it is going to be alright." He walked over to the bed and tentatively took a seat on the side closest to the door. She sensed the slight dip in the bed and felt an immediate sense of comfort, simply brought on by his proximity.

"I can't give you guarantees Kate, but there is something that I can promise you." He lowered his voice to nearly a whisper. "I can promise you that no matter what happens, I will be alright."

Kate took his words in, swallowing back sobs and letting the tears continue to cascade down her face. She still didn't turn to face him. "Kate" he continued "I made you promise before the surgery that you would let me in, that you wouldn't shut me out. I've watched you try to keep that promise and I'm so thankful for that." He stretched himself out on the bed, lying on his side facing her with his head propped on his arm. "When I made you promise me Kate, I didn't realize that I was asking you to do something that was extremely unfair."

Kate inhaled sharply and waited for him to continue. "See Kate, you've done a beautiful job of showing me what this has been like for you. You've allowed for me to come along with you and I'll always be so grateful that you let me in, to be here for you. What I didn't realize was that by letting me in, you were also forced to watch how your cancer affected me. You had to face the pain and deal with watching my pain because of it." Kate's shoulders began to shake as she was no longer able to control her sobs. What he said was true, she couldn't face having to watch him slowly loose her. She couldn't keep him if it would destroy him. She loved him too much. "So I understand that you want to try to push me out now to protect me, to keep me from getting even more hurt later; but Kate I'm already invested. I'm already in 100%. Kate we could be married with 10 children and I wouldn't be more invested than I am now." She exhaled at his words, acknowledging that for both of them it was too late, they were already too involved. "If you back away now it will be devastating-for the both of us Kate. Please don't take away our hope for a future together."

"Please Kate." Raising himself on his forearm, he softly reached for her and placed his hand on her trembling shoulder. "Please trust me to be ok. Please trust that I can be strong enough to carry this burden too. It's the only way you'll be able to share it, and you need to share it." His voice cracked as he became overcome with emotion, "please don't stop coming to me. I'm here and I couldn't leave if I wanted to."

Rick waited from some sign from her, for some acknowledgement of his words. Slowly, she moved her hand up to meet his where it rested on her shoulder, lacing their fingers together. Although she never spoke and didn't turn to acknowledge him, the gesture was enough. She would keep holding on, and so would he. She needed him as much as he needed her and that was it.

* * *

September came and along with it came the time for Kate's 5th treatment session. After returning from the Hamptons they'd decided that they would trust eachother, rely on eachother and communicate more. That really was at the crux of every relationship issue that the two had ever experienced, communication. This situation was no different.

They'd settled back into the loft, Kate enjoying being back in the presence of Martha and Alexis. Rick had been beside himself over the past several weeks due to his daughter's decision to attend college at NYU. She would be moving into the dorms soon, but would still be able to be home for dinner when she wanted to. Kate was happy that the girl had decided to stay close to home as well.

Once they were settled in, everyone agreed that a movie in the living room was warranted. They'd chosen _Love Actually_, and made ice cream Sundays. As Kate ate her Sunday, which was sorbet in order to avoid dairy, she watched the other people in the room with her. They were loving and accepting of her, even at her lowest point, they were family and it was a feeling she relished in. After the movie Rick and Kate made their way to bed. They took advantage of Kate feeling fairly well that day, and knowing that treatment was coming, were aware it was short-lived.

As they lie in bed he caressed her gently, using natural essence oils to massage her sensitive skin. She'd found that soft massaging, especially on her neck and lower back, helped tremendously with her body aches. He'd rub her back first gently making small circular motions in her skin, starting with the back of her scarf-covered head, working down her neck and shoulders, her back, hips, bottom, thighs, legs and feet. He then helped her to turn onto her back and face him. Now that she was fully healed, with a fading scar (which he swore still somewhat resembled the superman emblem to him), on her chest, he was able to touch her without worry of causing harm. He would start at her temples, move to her neck, down her chest and stomach, to her thighs, shins and feet. He always used special care to work the tension out of her pressure spots, under her collar bones, on the top and bottom of each breast, beneath her ribs and along the top of her pubic bone.

On this evening in particular she was feeling quite responsive, which was unusual. The chemotherapy had destroyed her sex drive for the most part, and she'd found it nearly impossible to reach physical readiness for intercourse. He'd never suggested using lubrication or any other aid, as he did not want to push her, given all she'd been through. However, she found herself responding to him on that evening, watching his arms work and his hands caress every inch of her body. She quickly filled with a desire for him, to be with him. At first he had no idea how he was effecting her, as he was too focused on the task at hand. She simply let herself enjoy the sensations of being touched by him, especially in her more intimate areas.

As castle worked the knots out of his partner's skin he'd focused on the intensity of his ministrations. Given her compromised platelet levels, even slightly overdoing it would cause her skin to bruise. He shuttered at the thought of being responsible for marring her beautiful skin in any way. Pouring more oil onto his hands he moved to lightly brush the skin below her ribs, moving down to the area on her lower abdomen, just above her pelvic bone. He was pulled from his thoughts by the sudden moan that slipped from her mouth. In somewhat of a shock, he looked up to Kate's face and found her wide-eyed, staring up at him with clear desire. There was no room for doubt about her intentions, as she pulled him down on top of her, seeking his lips firmly but passionately.

"Kate?" He questioned her "are you sure?" He was somewhat apprehensive by her sudden flash of arousal.

"Yes Rick. I'm sure." She replied, partially into his mouth in her refusal to completely break contact. She relished in the feel of his body on top of hers, as it was the first time since before the surgery that they'd had the opportunity to feel the direct skin to skin contact of their chests with him lying on top of her. This time they were careful to use protection, as it was mandatory for Kate to be removed from birth control before her treatment sessions began.

They moved slowly together that night, savoring eachother's touches and whispering words of love to one another. He told her over and again how beautiful she was and she reminded him of how much she needed him. These were the moments when the two could truly find an escape from the pain that seemed to be all around them. During these times, so few and far between, they felt as if their future was full of promise and they were building towards an eternity together. These moments belonged to them and them alone.


	8. Chapter 8

The room had all the familiar sights and smells that she'd grown accustomed to over the past months. The walls were a chalky pink color, _at least they're not_ _institution white_, she thought sardonically. There was a painting on the wall that had multi-colored sea shells which, although complementing the color scheme of the room, seemed oddly out of place for a hospital room. Afterall, the hospital was not beachfront property. She'd wandered over to the salmon-colored curtains and opened them, letting more daylight into the room. Castle was busying himself unpacking her clothing and setting her things in the bathroom. Months of chemotherapy had settled them both into a comfortable routine. _Well, as comfortable as possible considering I'm getting my body filled with toxic chemicals designed to nuke every cell of my body_, she sighed as her thoughts passed by_. _

Once they were settled into the room they sat at the small table in the room and enjoyed a breakfast that Castle had packed for them, complete with muffins, fruit and coffee. They made small talk, chatting about how Alexis was settling in at the dorm. Kate enjoyed recounting stories from her wild college years, embellishing all of the sordid details just to watch Rick squirm. She couldn't help it, he was such an easy target when it came to his daughter. Her favorite part was convincing him of the little known secret that college freshmen girls were hazed into their dorm life by performing lewd acts on college senior boys. The expression on his face was so priceless that she couldn't keep it together and her laughter betrayed the fact that she'd made the whole thing up. He pouted for several minutes, taking back his willingness to share his cranberry orange muffin with her. _He's so cute when he pouts_, she thought to herself as she feigned mild outrage over his muffin hoarding.

Soon the nurse entered to room, beckoning Kate to join her on the bed as they flushed her port with saline solution and prepared to connect the catheter to the bags of medication. Although it didn't really hurt terribly to have her port connected, it wasn't comfortable ether. She was always bothered by the idea of the small device, which had been placed under her collarbone, being connected to the IVs and tapping into her veins. Soon it was done and treatment had started. She lay in her bed flipping through magazines while Castle lie next to her, head propped up on the base board and playing on his phone. Soon they both grew board of their activities. Deciding that a movie was in order, they snuggled together under the blankets of her hospital bed and waited for the Chinese food they ordered to arrive.

Soon it did, along with Alexis, who was ready to tell them all about her classes, her roommate and college life in general. While Kate ate her steamed vegetables, she took in every word the red head spoke, enjoying her excitement as she weaved one tale after another of her first week of classes. Soon Kate grew tired, needing to take a nap. As she rested Castle and Alexis took the time to go out together and bond. It had been too long since the two had spent quality one-on- one time together and both were eager to make the most of their afternoon, enjoying dinner together a while later.

* * *

When Kate awoke some time later it was getting dark. After the nurse unhooked her port, and her treatment for the day was finished, she decided on a shower. She went into the bathroom, where she showered and changed into her night cloths. She was grateful to find her favorite pair of worn yoga pants and a light t-shirt, as well as a plain and comfortable pair of underwear. As she slid a pair of cotton panties on it occurred to her that it had been awhile since she'd needed a pair of underpants such as these. She'd usually reserved them for her time of the month, saving her nicer clothing for other times. However, she'd not had her period since just after her second treatment. When the reality of this occurred to her she was filled with panic. Kate Beckett was like clockwork. She was astounded that such a detail would have slipped her mind in the first place. She was sure that she was in no danger of being pregnant. Although they had been reckless once, when they'd made love in the bathtub, it had been months ago. Many months ago, even if she'd missed all the signs, she'd have been showing by now if nothing else. She filled with self-loathing for a moment as she briefly imagined herself as one of the women on "I didn't know I was Pregnant." _How anyone could not know?,_ she reflected to herself. She quickly pushed the thought out of her head. No, she wasn't pregnant.

When she returned from the bathroom she decided to venture out to the nurse's station, where she found the charge nurse going over paperwork. She cleared her throat, getting the older woman to notice her presence. The nurse looked up at her and with a smile said, "Do you need something hun?"

Kate smiled in return, thankful for the sweet mannerisms of the RN. "I've noticed something that I think I should have before and now I'm a little concerned." Kate looked around to make sure there wasn't anyone else within ear-shot before continuing. "It's just that it's been months now and I've not had my menstrual cycle. I've always been like clockwork, and I'm not sure what that means." The worry was evident in Kate's voice and the nurse, who could see the apprehension on her face, slowly walked Kate back to her room.

Once they entered, and Kate had more privacy, the nurse asked her "Kate. When is the last time that you had unprotected sex?" The concern was evident in the nurse's voice. Getting pregnant while on chemotherapy was very dangerous. It was a bad idea for the mother, whose ability to carry a child to term in her weakened state was compromised. However, it was even more dangerous for the baby, who would be developing while dependent on a blood supply full of toxins. The potential damage that chemotherapy could cause an unborn child was simply unspeakable.

Kate thought long and hard about when the bathtub incident had actually occurred. _It was back before my first session. It's simply not possible that I would have been pregnant since May. I've had a period since then anyhow_, she told herself_. _She spoke then, "It's been 5 months since we had unprotected sex. We've only had sex one other time since then and we used a condom. That time was after I stopped getting my periods though." The nurse nodded, she knew it was not uncommon for cancer patients to reduce sexual activity due to the effects of treatment. Still, she had also been in the field long enough to know that patient report wasn't always reliable and she needed to run a pregnancy test anyhow. Hopefully, it was the effects of chemotherapy, but there was a possibility that she was pregnant. She told Kate as much,

"Alright Kate. I'm going to go ahead and draw some blood to test for pregnancy, but chances are that the stress brought on by chemotherapy has simply caused you to cease menstruating. It is not uncommon. You also may have stopped because of your weight loss. It is very common for women to stop having their periods when they become underweight." Kate nodded at the nurses words.

As they drew blood from her port, Kate couldn't help it as her thoughts ran away from her. Even the practice of having a pregnancy test done aroused a sense of anxiety and panic. It didn't matter that the logical part of Kate knew the possibility was small; the emotional part of her was still terrified. The technician soon left the room, blood sample in hand. She sat on the bed for some time, lost in her thoughts as she fiddled with the edge of the scarf she was wearing. When Rick walked in the room he found her there, quiet and staring off into space. He joined her on the bed, sitting next to her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She turned to face him and he captured her lips with his own. He then placed a kiss on her forehead, letting her rest her head there for a moment. She looked exhausted.

When the nurse returned a few minutes later she observed that Castle had returned. Not wanting to violate the younger woman's privacy she simply stated "Kate, the tests were negative." Kate smiled and let out a breath. She knew that they had to be negative, but hearing it made her feel so much better. As the nurse turned to leave the room again Kate stopped her, "So does that mean that the changes were brought on by the chemotherapy?" The nurse smiled at her and nodded "I'm sure that they are. I will have the doctor come by in the morning to talk with you more about it though." Kate thanked her and rested her head back on Rick's shoulder.

"What was all that about Kate?" He asked her curiously.

She only hesitated a moment before filling him in, "Rick I haven't had my past couple periods. They wanted to run a pregnancy test to be safe, but it looks like the chemotherapy took those away too." She didn't bother to lift her head from his shoulder as she filled him in on everything. He took her hand and squeezed it, sorry again for another forced change in her body.

"The really disturbing part is that I've been so overwhelmed with everything that I just noticed that I'd been missing them." He continued to hold her hand, answering her with softly spoken words "Well, you've had a lot going on. There have been lots of changes Kate. Don't be too hard on yourself." She smiled to him, filled with appreciation for his encouragement and understanding.

That night they curled up together and slept soundly. The last thing on Kate's mind before she fell asleep was the thought of a baby, of their baby. A baby that would exist, she'd hoped more than anything, in a future where sickness was far behind them both. She smiled as she let herself envision lots of little Castle babies in their future. With thoughts of tiny hands and feet, and soft giggles, Kate drifted off to sleep. Little did Kate know that Rick, who was already fast asleep, was dreaming about similar things. He dreamt of her, healthy and glowing, smiling at him warmly while her hands rested on her swollen abdomen. He dreamt of her holding their baby, rocking her to sleep. He saw Kate holding her up in the air, blowing kisses on her stomach, sprinkling kisses all over her little body. Yes, in his dream he saw a little girl, a beautiful baby girl that would look just like her mother. He never wanted to wake up.

* * *

Morning came too soon for them, a knock on the hospital room door alerting them to someone's presence. One of Kate's doctors entered and greeted them both warmly. "Good morning. I was speaking with the nurse, who was updating me on your progress and on your blood chemistry, and she said that you were having some concerns." Kate nodded to the doctor and explained her concerns to him about her periods. Much of what the doctor said to her was similar to what the nurse had told her. He told her that chemotherapy patients often experienced changes in their cycles. What caused her alarm though was what the doctor said next. "Yes Kate. Infertility is unfortunately very common, especially in cases of high toxicity-type treatments." Kate was struck by the doctor's words. She turned her head to the side and looked to Rick, who had a similar look of disbelief as well. Kate spoke,

"Wait a minute. Infertility? I thought that this was just brought on by the chemotherapy. I'll still be able to have children once I finish treatment, won't I?"

"Well, it's hard to say. It is very common for women who have undergone chemotherapy to go right into menopause Kate. We will know more after you finish treatments. It can take up to six months for the body to recover, and if you did start ovulating again, there is no guarantee that your eggs have not been permanently damaged by the chemotherapy. I'm sorry." The doctor spoke neutrally, but had softness to his voice.

"So," Rick began "There is no way to tell if she'll ever be able to have children?"

"Right now there is no way to tell. Her body has stopped ovulating completely. In some cases, the body can recover and the process will start up again, in others we find that too much damage has been caused. Now, Kate's on a cocktail of medications, one of which has only a moderate association with infertility. However, the second drug carries a very high risk, so we are just going to have to see if her body will be able to recover. Each woman is different, and typically we see that women in their 20s are the most likely to recover. I'm sorry to say that only time will tell." The doctor finished.

Kate bowed her head, feeling the effects of yet another major blow. _I waited too long again._ _I waited too long for Rick and I waited too long to think about a family. Now I might never have the chance, _she was filled with bitterness when she thought of how unfair the whole situation was. After a minute she spoke again, without making eye contact with anyone "and the chemotherapy. Can you tell if it's even working? Can you tell if it was even worth it? Was it worth all of this? Was it worth loosing such a major piece of myself?" She was nearly yelling before she finished those words.

The doctor answered her as best he could, "Kate, every month when we run tests, we look at your blood, we take x-rays and scans. Every month you come in we look for evidence that the cancer is spreading, or even growing in the spots where we failed to obtain clear margins." Kate nodded to him, not bothering to wipe the tears from her face.

"Each month you come in here Kate we see the same thing. We see that the cancer has not grown, we see that it has not spread. So Kate, giving the fast-moving nature of this cancer, I think it is fair to say that the chemotherapy is working." The doctor added one last thought, "You've only got one treatment left Kate, and if your lab results keep looking like this, I'd say that you're well on your way to remission." He smiled softly to the both of them. As his words sunk in Rick smiled, taking her hand and squeezing it. Kate gave a weak smile as well, acknowledging that all of her grief and all of her loss wasn't for nothing.

* * *

That night they lay in bed, Kate curled and laying on her side. She faced the wall and thought again about the irony of the past 24 hours. Yesterday she was terrified of the remote possibility that she could be pregnant, today she was told she probably couldn't ever get pregnant. Tears continued to fall as she felt her anger and sadness build up yet again. She could feel Castle's warm body behind her, spooning her and offering her what physical comfort he could. Finally she spoke, "you have my permission Rick."

"Permission for what?" He asked.

"You have my permission to go if you need to go." She felt him holding tighter to her and clarified, "Not just today Rick, but if you change your mind. This isn't the future you signed on for. I can't expect you to condemn yourself to never having more children if I can't ever get pregnant." Her words were filled with sorrow, but he could hear the hint of defensiveness in her voice. He knew what she was doing. He knew her well enough to know that she figured if she gave him permission and he took it, she could say she told him to leave. As if she'd be able to manage better if she gave him an out, as opposed to if he'd abandoned her. Rick sighed to himself.

"Kate. You want children? We will have children. If it doesn't happen biologically, we'll adopt. I don't need to have more biological children." He stated, then adding "but I DO need you."

She reached to where his hand fell on her hip and took it into her own. "I know. I'm sorry Rick. I need you too. It's just that I don't want you to feel obligated." She really knew she should just stop talking, but couldn't help it, "Just promise me Rick, if you decide it's all too much. Promise me if you feel you need to go, you will not stay out of some sense of duty. I love you too much Rick." She felt him pull his hand back, then felt the cold behind her back as he lifted himself from the bed and walked away. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to tremble at what was happening. She'd given him permission, she just wasn't prepared for it. A moment passed by and she felt the bed dip behind her again, soon he was spooning her body again with his own. One hand reached across her waist and pulled her back against him, bringing them even closer.

"Kate" he whispered. "I'll make you a promise if you make me one too." She inhaled and waited for him to continue.

"I promise that in the unlikely event I should feel the need to be away from you, I'll do what is best." He paused for a moment, before continuing he moved his hand to hers "I'll promise you that only if you promise me something too Kate." Kate felt his hand moving again, then she felt something cold and hard against her finger tips, she felt him maneuver her hand until he had one finger separated from the rest, she then looked down to their hands and saw as he slipped a ring onto her finger. She inhaled deeply, completely stricken by what was taking place, "Kate, I was going to wait to do this. I've been waiting for the right time, been carrying it around should that moment arise. I can't think of a better moment than right now." Tears started to form in her eyes again, sobs starting to build as her hand trembled within his.

"Kate, today was another one of those days. It was a horrible day where yet another possibility for our future was potentially dashed. There's so much we don't know Kate." He turned his palm to face hers and lifted their hands up, closer to her face. "But THIS Kate. This I'm sure of. This is immovable. I know that, even in the face of scariest and most unlikely future, in the depths of the darkest hours…I know that I want you. Kate, If I'm going to walk through hell there's nobody else I want by my side." She silently turned her head to look at him and listened to him continue, "Wherever it goes from here, we do it together Kate. Can you promise me that?" She let out another sob, nodding her head and leaning into his neck.

"Kate. Will you marry me?"

She shifted her body against his completely, wrapping her arms around him and intertwining their legs. She placed a kiss on his neck, tilting her head to place another on his jaw, she finally spoke.

"Always Rick. Always."


	9. Chapter 9

They waited until Kate had completed her 6th and final treatment to announce their engagement. They'd shared their news with Martha and Alexis, who were both beyond thrilled about their decision. Alexis couldn't wait to start looking at dresses with Kate, who assured her that when the time came, she'd be sure to call her. The ring was beautiful, being elegant but not too flashy. He'd known her well enough to go for a solitaire, timeless beauty over expensive riches. It was a wonderful reminder that this journey was getting closer and closer to an end.

It was a Wednesday morning in early October when she was released from her final stay at the hospital. Her labs continued to look clean and Dr. Kendall was satisfied enough to request that she make an appointment at his office in 3 weeks. They would perform a complete body CT scan, a complete MRI and chest X-rays to look for any evidence of tumors. That night they all celebrated. Rick situated her on the couch comfortably, which had become somewhat of a custom after treatment sessions when they'd learned to anticipate her feelings of illness. Before she sat she took a nice, long bath and changed into a nice outfit, complete with a beautiful scarf that Martha had picked up for her.

She settled in nicely and chatted with Martha about how excited both women were for her to be finished with chemotherapy. Martha had given her a gift to celebrate the occasion and they sat together to watch as Kate opened it. Inside a small gift-wrapped box she found a beautiful white gold bracelet. On the bracelet was a dragon fly, adorned with pearl marking the head and topaz on the tail. The center was surrounded on each side by two small flowers. The detail was amazing and each flower had a stone in the center, in alternating colors. Kate looked to the older woman, tears in her eyes, "It's simply beautiful." Martha smiled and leaned in, explaining the significance of the bracelet to Kate.

"The dragon fly symbolizes new beginnings Kate. I had them place your birth stone at the tail to symbolize this new beginning for you." Kate smiled widely at her, but she continued.

"On each side you see a flower, the diamond-"she said, pointing to the flower immediately to the left, "represents my son." Next to it was a beautiful sapphire.

"The sapphire is Alexis." Martha continued, before moving to the other side of the bracelet. There she pointed to the outermost flower which, like the sapphire, was also a deep blue.

"This is the tanzanite Kate, and I'm told it is your father's birthstone." Kate smiled, her dad was born in December. "and next to it is the aquamarine", she pointed to a very pale blue stone embedded within the flower immediately to the right of the dragon fly. She smiled up to Kate, squeezing her hand "that one is me." Kate was deeply moved by the amount of thought that Martha had put into the gift. It was breathtaking.

"Kate I included all of us because we are your family, we're here to support you and we love you, no matter what. Do you understand?" Kate nodded, her eyes watering up as she took the woman's words in.

"Finally Kate, the head of the dragon fly." Martha pointed to the gem, but before she could continue Kate softly spoke, "the pearl." Martha smiled knowingly at her. Kate's mom had been born in June. "I placed her stone there because even though she's not here beside you, she's always with you and will always be watching over you." Kate couldn't keep the tears back, they were tears of joy over finally feeling the love of a family. They were tears of joy over feeling a special type of love that she'd been starved of since her own was taken from her, the love of a mother. The women embraced and Martha simply held her for awhile, sensing how much Kate needed it.

Rick gave the women space and busied himself preparing dinner in the kitchen. By the time he was finished they were back to chatting comfortably on the couch. Alexis had arrived about 15 minutes earlier and was now seated with them, nestled into Kate's side. Rick announced that dinner was ready and would be self-serve, as he made his way to the living room with Kate's plate. She accepted gratefully, but insisted that he let her help clean up later. Soon she was joined by the others, who settled in as well and began the nights festivities: A Starwars movie marathon (the original trilogy). Long after their meals were consumed they lounged on the couch, Kate eventually falling asleep on Rick's lap.

Alexis watched them for a moment before getting her dad's attention, "Dad. Do you think she's really done now? Do you think she'll be able to get well again?" Rick smiled to his daughter and whispered. "Yeah pumpkin, I do. I think it's been a rough road, but I think she's on the way to recovery." Alexis smiled and spoke "I think so too dad. I've got a good feeling about it." Both he and Martha smiled at her, nodding their heads in agreement. At that very moment Kate took in a sudden, deep breath and let out a contented sigh. All three conscious members of the family smiled before Rick whispered, "It would seem Kate agrees too."

* * *

The days turned into weeks and soon Kate found herself entering the complex of medical offices to have her first set of post-chemotherapy scans. Rick, ever at her side, strolled towards the elevator with her, giving her hand a supportive squeeze as they rode up to check-in for her appointment. She arrived, signed in and was seated next to Rick when they heard her name called. They stood to follow and soon Kate was taken alone, to start the series of tests that would indicate whether or not she was any closer to remission.

Nearly an hour and a half later she re-joined Castle and together they waited to see the doctor, who would read and interpret the scans for them. Although tired from the tests, she was grateful that they could read the results immediately. There would be no weeks of waiting to determine whether or not the chemotherapy had worked. Soon the nurse led them both to a private examination room, where she was questioned and vital signs were taken. They were then left to wait for the doctor. As she sat there her hands became clammy, her stomach cold, and her head light. The thoughts, the _'what if's_' consumed her._ What if they hadn't done enough? If the chemo had not worked? What would they do? Would they suggest another round of chemotherapy? Would she be able to take another round of chemo?_

As if he could sense her thoughts Rick stood from his chair and walked to the examination table she was seated on. He walked into her and pulled her so that she was partially wrapped around him, encircling her in his embrace. She leaned into his chest and let him hold her, allowing the warmth of his body to ease the tension in hers. At that moment the doctor entered the room. Looking at them he simply smiled and quipped, "Have I come at a bad time? Do you need a moment?" Both Castle and Beckett separated, blushing furiously as if they'd been caught doing something more naughty.

Dr. Kendall sat down across from Beckett on his stool, asking several questions and making notes in her chart. He asked her to lay flat as he examined the surgical site, satisfied that the scarring looked good and that things were healing normally. He also palpated the area and was satisfied that he felt no abnormalities. He helped her to sit back up and she re-covered her chest with the hospital gown.

"Well Kate, everything looks good. There is no sign of malignancy or metastatic disease on any of your scans." He smiled and allowed them a moment to take in the good news. Castle and Beckett smiled widely at eachother.

"I'd like to see you again in 3 more weeks to check again." The doctor informed her. "As long as we continue to see no growth, I think we may have gotten it all." He shook both their hands and instructed Kate to make another appointment before she left.

No sooner than the door was closed, Rick was out of his chair, wrapping Kate in his arms and pulling her off the table. They embraced, laughed and kissed. He finally set her down, but as she made a move to take off the hospital gown and re-dress he grabbed her again, arms around the now topless detective, laughing and kissing her again. His laughter was contagious and soon she was too, although she brought it under control very quickly and feigned irritation "Would you mind letting me put my clothing on?" Neither of them bought the act, as she broke out into a smile again before her feet touched the floor.

* * *

The next three weeks brought lots of changes for Kate Beckett. In addition to having yet another set of clean scans, and permission to wait 6 weeks to be checked again, she started to notice small physical improvements in her body. Her energy levels were a bit better, her nausea improved dramatically, she had no more body aches, and by 6 weeks she could walk normally again in her heels. She'd also started to notice another major change, Kate could feel the beginnings of hair on her head.

One night in particular that Kate thought about often came about a week after her first scan. They were enjoying a bath, this time facing eachother in the tub, when he asked her a question he'd been wanting to for months. He was terrified of her response, knowing that it would most likely make her uncomfortable. Still, he found himself needing to ask.

"Kate?" He began tentatively. She could immediately tell he was about to bring something serious up. She waited for him to continue. "I was wondering. If you don't want to you don't have to, but you know I love you. You know I am going to marry you. I just thought that maybe-" She finally interrupted, "spit it out Castle" she said lightly, hoping her good mood would alleviate some of the pressure he obviously felt. She moved her foot to brush against his leg, hoping that the physical contact would sooth his worries as well.

"Well Kate. It's just. Well, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I'm captivated by you. You know that. I just wanted to know, how come you never take your head covers off in front of me?" He felt her foot pause in the water, she inhaled sharply and paused a moment before answering him.  
"I suppose I was always afraid that it would bother you. My hair was always my thing, you know. I really took pride in it. I remember the way you used to look at me, used to look at it. I didn't want you to stop looking at me like that. So I kept it covered. I thought that once it grew back, even just a little, things would be different and I would take it off." She refused to let herself break eye contact with him.

"I'd never make you do something you weren't comfortable with, but I wish you would let me see you. Not because of curiosity or anything, but because I want you to know that I think you're beautiful no matter what." He scooted himself as much as he could toward the center of the tub, waiting for her reply. She didn't speak at all though. She simply looked down, slowly reaching for her head to undo the fabric that covered her. She loosened the fabric until it fell away, catching it with her hands and holding it there. She continued to look down at her hands. Examining the material there, she waited until he told her he was done so she could put it back on. She didn't want to take the cover off, but she wanted to make this effort, to show this vulnerability. She wanted to send him the clear message that she was completely in this with him, all of her. It was yet another big step for Kate Beckett.

He didn't speak, instead he reached for her chin and tilted her head up. He waited until she finally brought her eyes to meet his. Immediately he could tell how scared she was. Finally she spoke, "It's just that I feel naked without it." He smiled brightly to her and let out a short, soft laugh "Kate. You ARE naked. You were before you took the scarf off. So am I!" She finally took the time to look into his eyes. There was no change there. He looked at her exactly the same, there was no pity or disgust. She smiled at him, relief overwhelming her.

"There is something different Kate." He spoke as he saw her visibly relaxing. "It's your eyes." Your hair, which was beautiful and will be beautiful again when it returns, was a distraction from your eyes Kate." She knotted her brow, obviously confused by his words. "Your eyes were always beautiful Kate, but now they're so unbelievably bright. They're so full of life. It's amazing." She could see that there was no trace of dishonesty on his face or in his voice. She simply smiled at him. "God you're beautiful Kate." With that she reached her hand over the tub and dropped the scarf onto the floor.

* * *

Seven weeks post chemotherapy and Kate stood in front of the mirror. Her head, which remained covered with scarves unless they were in the privacy of their own bedroom, was now covered with a thin layer of dark hair. She smiled to herself as she ran her hand across it. Rick moved behind her and leaned his head on her shoulder. "Hey there sexy woman," he smiled to her as he watched their reflection in the mirror. His hands caressed her stomach and her hips, which he'd noticed with much delight, were starting to fill out again. In the past weeks he was seeing slight improvements to her physically. She seemed to be feeling better emotionally too, she seemed lighter and happier than he'd seen her in some time. She was even talking about returning to the precinct in the near future. Although she wasn't setting any dates yet.

The most exciting change was definitely that they had decided that she wouldn't return to her apartment. Instead they'd found someone to sublease and moved her things over. Now they were both home. He was also highly satisfied (and amused) by her appetite, which had returned with a vengeance. By two months post chemotherapy, Kate was eating a full range of foods again. She seemed to have particular cravings for sweets, with strawberry milkshakes on the top of her list again.

Along with her cravings for sweets, Kate found the return of her sex drive. Rick was more than happy to re-introduce her to the world of sex, especially with the slow return of her energy levels. The two always used care, which included both condoms and spermicides. However, Kate's periods had yet to return, so the question of fertility was still up in the air. They both knew that given her age, she had turned 33 in the fall, and the extent of her treatment, the facts that her periods had not returned yet did not bode well. She'd actually made an appointment to visit with her gynecologist and was informed that although her uterus was not damaged by the treatment, there were no signs that her body was going to ovulate.

When she'd raised the question of medications to prompt ovulation, such as hormone supplements, her doctor advised her against it strongly. She'd told her that even if she did ovulate, forcing it would not guarantee that the eggs were viable. By the end of the appointment the woman had kindly recommended that when the time came, Kate might want to consider alternative methods of motherhood. The single most regret that she had was that she didn't take the time to preserve her eggs while she'd had the chance. She could have fertilized them and frozen them. They would then be ready to implant whenever she and Castle were ready to start their family. Castle would comfort her when these thoughts became too much for her to bear. There wasn't time for her to act on this. The constraints on her were simply too tight. She knew he was right, but it still hurt to think about.

* * *

Twelve weeks out and Kate was still clear of cancer. The doctors had finally deemed her in remission and it was just after the New Year. Rick and Kate walked together, hand in hand, watching the snow fall on a chilly January afternoon. They'd spent time walking together in the park, Kate's hair now just a bit shorter than it was when he met her. They'd gotten hot chocolate and nestled up next to each other on a park bench. _People watching_ was one of their favorite shared activities. They would find random people around and substitute dialogue, pretending to know what they were talking about. No matter what crazy conversations they would make up, they would always end in laughter.

After a particularly funny encounter they'd noticed a family playing on the playground across from where they were seated. They both silently watched them for several minutes before Castle spoke up,

"Kate?" his voice was somewhat raw, "Do you really want to be a mother?" He waited for her response. When he didn't get one he turned to search her expression. What he saw, the pain there, broke his heart. He shifted his hand to wipe the tear from her cheek. Finally, she nodded, "Yes Castle. I do." He took his hand in his own and squeezed it.

"Alright" he said. "After we get married, let's adopt a baby." She looked up at him in shock.  
"Richard." She said. He was struck by her use of his full name, as she never called him that. "It's only been three months, are you sure it's not too soon to be thinking about this?"

"No Kate. I don't think it's too soon. We're getting married in June. We'll settle in and maybe late in the summer we start the process. By the time things line up, plenty of time will have passed. These things can take such a long time."

She stood up and turned to face him, a smile on her face. She reached her arms out to him and motioned for him to join her. He stood and took her hands in his own and they began to walk back towards the loft. As they made their way she rested her head on his shoulder. "So, she said. I've were going to be starting a family perhaps we should be planning that wedding."

He beamed at her, looping her arm into his and keeping his hand over hers as they walked arm in arm.


	10. Chapter 10

It was a beautiful morning in late June when Kate Beckett awakened to find she was alone. She felt for the familiar figure by her side only to be met with cold mattress. It was a cold brought about by disuse, from a partner who had not gone to bed with her last night. As her hand felt around the cool sheets, and the fog faded from her brain she remembered. Allowing her brain to wake up she stretched herself out, a bright smile crossing her face. She padded across the floor and into the bathroom where she'd brushed her teeth and rinsed her face off. She examined her features in the mirror, her curly brown hair, which had grown back courser and darker, lie just beneath her shoulders. Her skin had color again, as opposed to a pale and translucent look, she now had a healthy, sun-kissed glow. She was back in her normal size again as well, having re-gained the weight from her chemotherapy. All in all, Kate Beckett was feeling pretty good. Strike that, Kate Beckett felt wonderful. She'd been in remission all year and today was her wedding day.

As she stepped out into the bedroom she could hear busy footsteps about in the loft. She knew that Castle and the boys had reserved a room at the villa where their wedding venue was chosen. The beautiful gardens provided the perfect background for an outdoor wedding. Reception spaces both indoors and out were most likely being created by busy staff at the moment. She'd never been as thankful for Martha Rodgers as she'd been these last few months. Like a pro, Martha handled caterers and florists, photographers, DJs and a host of other entities that were involved in the saga that was planning a wedding. Kate complemented her on her skills and made a snarky comment about having gotten lots of practice from Rick's previous weddings when, much to her shock, she'd learned that Martha was given no part in planning those weddings. In fact, Rick had very little part as well, aside from showing up and saying his lines. Kate was determined from that point on that the wedding be like everything else in their relationship, like their marriage would be, an equal partnership.

* * *

He'd taken great pleasure in having a say in their big day. They'd agreed on a small wedding, with friends and family only. He'd requested that they incorporate blue into the scheme and she purple, much like them, the colors complemented each other. The venue had been a little more difficult, as June in New York City saw many places booked. However, thanks to his connections, along with a fortunately timed cancellation, they'd found the perfect location. They would be married at a small villa in East Hampton where they could have both intimacy and the beauty of natural surroundings. The wedding party was a fairly easy decision too. The big question of who Castle's best man would be was addressed the easy way, both men would serve the role. The question of who would stand next to Rick was handled in a very logical and manly way, rock-paper-scissors. Esposito won. The lineup worked perfectly for Kate, as her maid of honor, Lanie, would be escorted by Esposito, and her other bride's maid, Alexis, by Ryan.

Kate was adamant that she wanted the main flower to be lilac, as besides being her favorite flower, it was also the first thing she remembered when she woke up in the hospital. It symbolized hope and the love that they'd had for each other. Her bouquet was also adorned with the flowers.

"Where is the bride!" Kate was startled from her musings by a very excited Martha, who was making her way towards the bedroom. Kate smiled to herself and made her way out into the loft. She was greeted by the three smiling faces of the closest women in the world to her. "Good morning" she said softly to them, beaming over the fact that her wedding day had finally arrived. Alexis made her way to Kate quickly and wrapped her in a hug, "good morning Kate! Happy wedding day!" She smiled down at Alexis and ran her hand through her red hair.

Lanie made her way out of the kitchen, announcing that breakfast was ready. She'd come over early to make omelets for everyone. As they sat, sharing light conversation, Kate sipped her orange juice and contemplated the day ahead. She couldn't believe that by this time tomorrow she'd be married. She'd be his wife. Finally, after four years of denial and one year of hell, they were finally on the right path. There was so much that lay ahead of them. Kate smiled knowingly to herself in that moment, there was so much that they would experience and soon she would share it with him. Once finished, she stood and took her plate to the kitchen, stopping to take a vitamin before exiting the kitchen and preparing to leave the loft. The four women were going to be driven out to the Hamptons, where they would have hair and makeup appointments. Finally they would arrive at the villa to dress and finish getting ready for the ceremony. Her long day was just beginning and she couldn't wait.

* * *

The afternoon rolled on and the time for the ceremony grew closer. With her hair softly curled, pulled partially back and left partially down, and wisps of hair falling around her face, she was simply glowing. Her medium-length veil was expertly placed in her hair and she wore a set of pearl tear-drop earrings, as well as a string of pearls on her neck. They were the same ones her mother had worn on her wedding day. She sat in their dressing room and watched her bridal party while they got ready. Both Lanie and Alexis looked spectacular in their lavender dresses, which crossed around the front, cinched around the waist, which was lined with a sky-blue ribbon, and fell just past their knees. The light chiffon material looked simply beautiful with both of their complexions and swayed with their movements, giving an airy feel. Martha wore a beautiful blue suit that was very similar to the blue in the ribbons on the other women's dresses. All three of them were stunning. She was so lost in thought that she didn't notice all three pairs of eyes turn and settle on her.

"Kate, dear." Martha spoke. "It's time to get your dress on." She smiled and stood. She'd been walking around for the past 45 minutes in her corset and underskirt. She stood and the women approached her, Lanie moved to pull the large garment bag from the door and removed the beautiful white dress. It all three women to help her into it, with Martha adjusting the front, Lanie her underskirts and Alexis weaving the ribbon through the corset back of her dress.

Because of the scarring on her chest, the dress had a lace bodice that rose to just below her collarbone and fell, as a cap sleeve on each shoulder. There was a slight dip in the middle, providing a sweetheart neckline but still providing coverage for her. Under the lace was a beautiful sweetheart gown that pulled and gathered to the side at her hip and spanned out, nearly into ball gown. Beautiful crystal was stitched into intricate patterns along the lines of the dress and throughout the bodice. It was elegant and classic, but not overdone. Soon she was ready, and as she took her reflection in, she was filled with a bittersweet feeling. She was beyond happy, but still felt a hint of sadness at her mother's absence on this special day. She brought her hand to her chest and glided her fingers along the pearls there.

As if sensing her thoughts, Martha stepped up to her and took her face in the palms of her hands. Softly she spoke, "You are a beautiful creature Kate. You're brave, kind, compassionate and loving. I'm so proud that I will be able to call you my daughter now." Tears welled up in Kate's eyes. Martha simply smiled at her, tears in her own eyes. She pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and dabbed the younger woman's eyes. "Now now", she said "No tears. Waterproof mascara only goes so far." Then both women laughed.

A soft knock was heard at the door and it opened to reveal Kate's father. Jim entered the room and lost his breath. With a smile on his face and tears in his eyes he simply stared at her. "Katie, you're so beautiful. My baby girl, just look at you." Kate laughed softly holding out her arms to him. He embraced her before whispering in her ear "you look just like your mother Katie." Then the tears came. Soon they pulled themselves together and it was time for the ceremony to start.

Friends and family had already gathered outside in the late afternoon, with the ceremony to start just before sunset. They made their way quietly down the hall and around the back path of the villa and lined up. Both Esposito and Ryan grinned from ear to ear when they saw Kate for the first time. They each placed a kiss on her cheek and wished her all the happiness in the world. As the music began Kate took a deep breath, ready for the rest of her life to start.

* * *

Richard Castle had been married before, twice before actually. Both times he'd felt the same feelings of anxiety. The rapid heartbeat and the sweaty palms were familiar to him. He'd experienced the classic cold feet, and second-guessing his decision. Both times he gathered the courage to go through with it, especially considering the time and energy that had gone into planning the weddings. Yes, Rick Castle was familiar with pre-wedding jitters. That is why he was so surprised when he, standing at the altar on that beautiful June afternoon, felt none of those familiar feelings of panic. Instead he was filled with an excitement, and a sense of peace. Finally, after everything they'd been through, this day had arrived. Their day had arrived and soon he would see her walking down the aisle, toward him.

Had you told Rick Castle that he would marry again he wouldn't be surprised. If you'd told him his bride would be Kate Beckett he would have been filled with joy. However, if you told him that the person who would stand next to him and officiate over their ceremony was none other than Victoria 'Iron' Gates, he would probably have laughed in your face. Nevertheless, there she was, beaming with pride and filled with honor over being asked to perform such a sacred union. She'd been a rock for Kate, she'd earned his respect and eventually, he'd defrosted her exterior. So there they were, standing at the altar and waiting for the ceremony to start.

The music started and his mother made her way down the aisle. She came up to him and gave him a hug. With a kiss on the cheek she whispered, "Congratulations kiddo. You finally got it right this time." He couldn't help but smile at his mother, afterall she was right. Next he smiled at the sight of his beautiful daughter walking down the aisle, a beautiful bouquet of purple and blue hydrangeas, as well as calla lilies. She smiled brightly at him as she slowly walked closer to the altar. Ryan shook his hand and whispered, "You're one lucky bastard," referring to how beautiful Kate looked as he took his place. Rick smiled in excitement, knowing he would soon see his bride. Next he saw Lanie and Esposito, arm in arm as they walked down the aisle. He smiled again to himself as he watched the on-again off-again couple approach, wondering how long it would be before their turn finally came. He was pulled from that thought by the change in music, and the rising of the guests as the bridal march began to play. He looked down to his feet for a moment and took a deep breath, preparing himself for a moment he would never forget. When he looked up again, there she was.

* * *

Alexis Castle stood at the alter and watched as Kate made her way down the aisle, escorted by her very proud father. She looked to her own dad and wondered what it would be like for them when he was walking her down the aisle on her wedding day. The thought quickly left her mind when she saw the expression on his face. There was a look of pure joy on his face, tears welling in his eyes as if the happiness within couldn't be contained. She'd never seen him like that before, if humans could fly she's pretty sure he would have taken flight in that moment. She shifted her gaze from her dad out to Kate, who slowly walked down the aisle, her beautiful gown swaying as the crystals caught specks of light from the setting sun. She was simply radiant. What struck Alexis most was that she wore an expression nearly identical to the one she'd just seen on her dad's face. It was a joy that filled her up and consumed her from the inside out. They were surrounded by people, but kept their eyes locked only on one another. It was as if their entire purpose in that moment was found only in each other. Alexis was overwhelmed by what she was witnessing, and tears of joy began to fall down her own face.

Kate finally approached, only taking her eyes off of Rick to be kissed by her father. When Gates asked "who presents this woman?" Jim Beckett responded in kind and was soon seated next to Martha. The bride and the groom then took a step forward together, facing Gates. After motioning the guests to be seated, the captain spoke:

_Richard and Kathryn: _

_Now you will feel no rain,__  
__For each of you will be shelter to the other.__Now you will feel no cold,__  
__For each of you will be warmth to the other.__Now there is no loneliness,__  
__For each of you will be companion to the other.__Now you are two bodies,__  
__But there is only one life before you._

She then proceeded to speak to the guests, discussing why they were all gathered and the sacred nature of the bond that was being formed between the couple. After a moment of prayer she asked them to face eachother. Kate handed her bouquet to Lanie and Gates asked for the rings. She gave each partner the ring to place on eachother's hand. With this came their vows.

As Rick slid the ring on Kate's finger he softly spoke:

_I, Richard, take you Kathryn to be my wife, and my partner in life. You are my one true love. I will cherish our union, loving you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, I will love you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live. Always._

Kate then moved to place the ring on Ricks finger, she took a deep breath and began to speak:

_I, Kathryn take you, Richard, to be my friend, my lover, the father of my children and my husband. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, Always._

The two held hands as a prayer was spoken over them both. Finally, with great pleasure and complete pride, Gates announced them for the first time as husband and wife.

Castle and Beckett had kissed before. They'd had kisses filled with passion and lust, kisses expressing pain and comfort, kisses of love and hope, and of joy and celebration. However, this kiss, their first kiss as husband and wife, seemed to encompass them all. Every emotion that the two had experienced on their journey to this place was wrapped up in that single moment. When they separated and looked into eachother's eyes they both knew that they had finally made it. In that moment a new emotion was added to the kisses that Rick and Kate would share: complete peace. It was a great first kiss for the married couple.

* * *

Later, after they'd been introduced as husband and wife, and made rounds throughout the reception; after they'd danced, eaten, cut the cake and threw the bouquet; after father-daughter and mother-son dances were over, there was just Kate and Rick, under the moonlight on the dance floor. The other couples were swaying closely nearby, smiling in their direction and offering their friends words of love and support. They had done it, they had made it through hell and had come out the other side together. So many new and exciting things were within grasp and Kate couldn't believe that this moment had finally arrived. She relished the moment, noting the significance of the song that began to play with new tears in her eyes:

_For you they'll be no crying. For you the sun will be shining. _

'_Cause I feel that when I'm with you. It's all right. I know it's right. _

_And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score. _

_And I love you, I love you, I love you._

_Like never before._

_To you I would give the world. To you I would never be cold. _

'_Cause I feel that when I'm with you it's alright. I know it's right. _

_And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score._

_And I love you, I love you, I love you. _

_Like never before. Like never before. Like never before. _

Rick understood the significance of the song immediately. Holding her closer, he placed kisses down her cheek. Remembering the last time they'd heard the song in the bathtub. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and here they were. She was healthy, happy, glowing and in his arms. As he spun his beautiful bride around on the dance floor, he reflected back on their day. It was simply perfect, and he'd told her at least a dozen times how beautiful she looked. In that moment, his wife in his arms, he thought back to their vows and smiled.

"Do you want to know what my favorite part was Kate?" He whispered into her ear has he twirled her around to their song.

She smiled softly, looping her arms under his to bring him closer on the dance floor. "What Rick? What was your favorite part?"

He answered her, "The part where you vowed to take me as your friend, your lover, the father of your children and your husband." He placed a kiss into her hair.

She smiled knowingly to herself and replied, "I'm glad that was your favorite part Rick." She could barely contain herself as she started stroking her arms across his back.

He smiled at her then, flirtatiously asking her "Why is that Kate." She simply pulled herself a little closer, a little taller and brought her lips to graze his ear softly. "Well my husband", she said with a hint of the classic Kate Beckett sauciness, reminiscent of how she'd whispered into his ear on their first case, the day that he'd fallen in love with her so long ago.

"Because…I'm pregnant."

**The End.**

* * *

**A/N: Thanks so much for sticking with me through this one! I do have plans for a part 3 in the future, it will deal with the pregnancy and their relationship. Specifically, it will address Kate's fertility a bit further, and the potential consequences of her having gotten pregnant so soon after treatment ended (6 mos). :) **


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